love or nothing.

a journal entry.

2012-01-11T21:58:00.004-05:00

i've had an interesting week. between being really sick, my roommate being sick as well, worrying about life's issues, working hard, and being distracted, you know what i figured out i was missing?

jesus.

i am ashamed to admit it, but i will: i've forgotten my Savior recently. i turn my face away from Him, only to look for my own solutions and trust in my own devices. what is this path i'm on? haven't i made enough mistakes to know that i so desperately need Him? and that He loves me enough to take me back every single time?

this is a love i don't deserve.

distractions are my worst enemy. they so easily consume me. something as little as laundry or as big as a broken heart is enough to separate me from my God. but in this, i find:

"surely the arm of the lord is not to short to save, nor His ear too dull to hear."
- isaiah 59:1

thank God for His mercy. because most of the time, i am lost. i am a wandering soul trying to figure out how to live without messing it up. i am only human.

"for the Son of man came to seek and to save the lost."
- luke 19:10

hallelujah.

christmastime.

2011-12-26T17:24:00.002-05:00

currently posting from larissa's house where i spent my usual christmas night with her family. we had a feast with meatballs, homemade italian spaghetti and sauce, freshly baked bread, and lots of sweets. and eggnog, wine, and beer. it was lovely to spend time with friends and my "second family." they are so dear to me!

in other news... my roommate got engaged christmas night! we've been waiting for that to happen for probably a year haha but now we have a wedding to plan. exciting things coming up in the future for sure.

in a little while larissa and i are off to a Boxing Day feast at some random person's house, courtesy of a friend's invite. apparently there are going to be rooms filled with different foods, including homemade indian. very excited to taste that! it's kind of nice to go somewhere where no one knows you and you get to make a million first impressions all night. that doesn't happen to me often.

hope you enjoyed your holidays!

in plenty or in want.

2011-12-14T18:16:00.004-05:00

'tis the season of shopping. of retail and giftcards and promises of money from your grandma in your stocking. :)

i've laid off the shopping for financial reasons for about three months now. it's done me a lot of good-- no unnecessary spending and no worries for a while now! funny how it takes a big breakdown to get to that place. anyway, my point is that despite my discipline, i still want unnecessary things. prime example: a Macbook Pro. i keep looking at them on the apple site, on ebay, on amazon... WHY? i have an iMac that i'm perfectly happy with. i keep telling myself i need a laptop so i can haul it places and sit in Starbucks looking all cool while blogging, or so i can take it somewhere other than my bedroom to record music.

ALL. UNNECESSARY.

seriously. this is what my mind does to me. i do not need another computer, or to replace the one i currently own. in fact, the whole reason i chose to buy a desktop over a laptop was so that i wouldn't be on it 24/7! i didn't want it to constantly consume my life. but here i am, trying to convince myself i need it. and then this slapped me in the face:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

- philippians 4:12

this is absolute truth. i have learned that secret, and it's a sacred one. as much as this world and my reckless mind long to have more, i know far better that i have every single thing i need. i am not hurting for anything, especially not more electronics or whatever this shell of a body craves. earthly pleasures are all well and good, but not in excess. i found out the hard way that they lead to stress, financial trouble, and a mind set on pointless things.

so while this is indeed the season of shopping, i want to make it the season of smart decision making as well. each one of the christmas gifts i have bought are something i know the person will like and enjoy. i haven't spent any money on useless things. and best of all, my bank account isn't hurting. all from a little self-control! so that's my challenge to you, 11 days before we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, who put us on this earth not to spend excessive money but to trust in Him. that you would take a look at where your money is going and if you can live without a few things. or put those dollars to better use.

i have learned the secret of being content... in plenty and in want.

xo

[image via google images]

christmas house 2011

2011-12-04T13:21:00.006-05:00

decorating our house for christmas is a fun time for my roommate and i.. we put on christmas movies or music and break out our boxes of ornaments & christmasy goodness. we've had our tree up for a couple of weeks already, but we finally made time to decorate it & the rest of the house! so here's our festive house for the year...

no decorating is complete without Elf:

and my little mini tree & VS dog at work:

so much fun :) ready for christmas weekend! xo

new music & other things!

2011-11-25T18:40:00.005-05:00

hi friends.. just finished putting some new (and old) songs up on the myspace. it amazes me that i'm still using myspace.. but it's good for music posting! i haven't updated that thing in months. i just did a cover of "someone like you" by adele, so check that out if you want. i also have some recently written songs of my own there.

in other news.. one of my dear friends, ashley, has gotten engaged! i am beyond excited for this girl. she is the sweetest friend, and totally deserves a guy like john. the two of them are wonderful together and i am very happy to be close to them and share in their day when it comes around!

the picture of me and my puppy is up because i miss her. like a lot. i wish she could live with me but with landlords charging extra for that kind of stuff & a roommate who doesn't want a dog.. and my lack of free time, it's not a good idea. the point is i love this little girl of mine. i can't believe she turned 10 in october.. even weirder that i got her my sophomore year of high school. i'm old now. :)

anyway.. just wanted to check in a write a little update. the weather has been so lovely this week! kind of ironic that i bought a snow shovel this afternoon :) i know it's coming!

blessings, friends! & please check out the new music, just for kicks.

xo

brrrr.

2011-11-19T12:54:00.002-05:00

with this weather getting colder, i've had a lot more wintery spirit than normal. i don't know why, because i don't like snow that accumulates (my office never closes for anything), shoveling, being freezing, that feeling when your nose is frozen and you feel like you have to sneeze, defrosting my windshield at 5 am, etc. but here are some things that have helped so far:

1. my roommate bought a new (fake) christmas tree, pre-lit and fabulous looking. its name is sven. sven the flame retardant tree.
2. i went to target last night and they have the cutest mini trees in a bunch of fun colors. with mini accessories! i got a white sparkly one for my desk at work, and my bestie sewed a mini tree skirt for it. so cute.
3. i've been drinking a ton of tea lately and there have been some wintery/christmas movies on tv already. and we have fall-scented candles. that's a good combination. i like it.
4. nsync christmas album. it's always been my favorite since i was in middle school.
5. leggings & tights. and boots. and scarves. and knitting.

so maybe this year i won't feel so bitter about the cold setting in. i do love warm weather, and i always miss it this time of year. but there are some highlights already, so i may be learning to embrace it. commence the start of the holidays! :)

xo

it's been a while..

2011-11-13T10:43:00.004-05:00

hello blog world.. we haven't spoken in a while :) mostly i've just been lazy and/or preoccupied. i've been reading a lot of blogs.. just not blogging myself! anyway, the first thing i wanted to share with you is my breakfast this morning. isn't this awesome? the mug is from Anthropologie as a gift from cait, whose wedding i was in last weekend. the scone & blackberry jam is from my mom, who used to work next to this really cute tea shop. so delicious. also, i'm listening to bryce avary's FREE acoustic album he put out. his added lyrics to one of his songs are now in my blog banner (see above). go download! it doesn't cost a thing and it's a fun live recording. i love his passion.. can't wait to hear his new work in 2012.

so here's what i've been up to lately:

1. i have a job interview tomorrow! it's at my current workplace, so i'm not leaving or anything. just a better position to be in. highly competitive but it's the job i've been doing for almost two years now, so i feel good about it.

2. my worship team and i had been specifically praying for a drummer recently, and we auditioned two of them this past week! and we are playing with one of them at service tonight. our church hasn't had drums since it started a couple of years ago, so i'm very excited for this.

3. i bought a new duvet cover from IKEA. maybe not as important as the first two things, but much-needed! i've been looking for one forever! also, i wouldn't mind living in IKEA.

4. i have been watching way too much TV and i really need to start reading books again. after all, i was a lit major! i need books in my life. and not the e-reader kind.

5. matthew 21:22 - "if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." hallelujah.

i hope you've all been doing well! more photo updates of life to come!

xo

mondays off with larissa!

2011-10-10T13:33:00.003-04:00

i'm spending this monday with one of my best friends who is getting ready to go back to england for a couple of months. right now we're making chocolate chai.. and i've already had italian espresso today :) can't wait to see what kind of hyper i am after this!

we also had a bonfire last night with some friends, and we always have to watch arrested development or the graduate when we're together. we're weird like that.

for her going away gift i got her a mug with various mustaches all over it.

i will miss her a lot. at least it's only two months instead of a year like last time.

love you riss!

not perfect.

2011-10-08T10:16:00.002-04:00

[i just like this picture. unrelated to this post.]

can we be real for a minute? all the pressure i've been putting on myself is finally catching up with me. most of it comes from being in charge of worship at my church. i have a vision for it, and i know what i want my band/the music to look like in the coming years. all of this takes a long time since we 're a church plant. lately, i have had little patience. little patience for people, little patience for figuring out the right songs, little patience for putting all of it together, little patience for myself. and at first i thought it would pass like bad moods & attitudes often do. but then i kept feeling it come back and weigh on me even heavier.

the bottom line is that i put too much pressure on myself to be perfect.

we weren't made to be perfect, after all. i can dream all day about putting together the perfect band with perfect people and perfect songs every single sunday. but Jesus often teaches through the flaws. He makes me learn from my mistakes. He counteracts even the worst in me. and He has put me in the position i'm in so that i can serve my church and worship Him above all other things. all the time i spend getting frustrated with planning and not seeing my vision come to life in the time i want is wasted on Him. because i don't believe He cares about any of that. all He wants is for me to be a faithful servant and to do my part to lead my church in worship. what that looks like is in His timing and not my own.

i've been so stuck for a couple of months.. just questioning everything. should i be here? should i even be doing this? am i failing at it? am i making my congregation happy? is this worth all the stress i feel? when will it get better?

i think the answers to these questions are better left coming from Him.

"i will go before you and will level the mountains,
i will break down the gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron.
i will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored up in secret places,
so that you may know that i am the Lord, the God of Israel,
who summons you by name." - isaiah 45:2-3

autumn update!

2011-10-03T16:34:00.002-04:00

things have been going so well lately, i thought i'd share :)

1. gym time has been successful! i went wednesday and this morning, it's felt so good to commit.
2. cait's bridal shower yesterday was amazing. i still can't believe how well it went considering we didn't have a lot of time to put it together! it was such a fun dress up tea party time.
3. two words: GAVIN DEGRAW. new album. so good.
4. running into a close friend today and getting to chat for a while was a highlight.
5. making dinner tonight with my love sarah.
6. anxiously awaiting the outcome of my job application..
7. burning fall candles. mmm.
8. i'm into fall weather for the most part.. but not when i wake up freezing. i had to turn on my heat today. and i may have only gone to the gym for its warmth. :)
9. a lot of productive work on worship and church things.
10. feeling blessed to be alive, well, and busy.

hope you're all counting your blessings this week!

xo

wellness.

2011-09-27T21:31:00.003-04:00

oh man, have i been slacking on the workouts. i can't even pretend i've kept up with it.. i have a serious lack of motivation. i figure if i post on here that i'm going for a wellness change, i'll be more prone to do it :) after all, who wants to be seen as a hypocrite by the world?!

i'm no stranger to what a good workout entails. my roommate is in shape and her dad used to work for bodybuilding.com. their website is super helpful for workouts and meal plans, by the way. and they have lots of success stories to keep you motivated! however, i have a severe, unchangeable lack of motivation. i don't know what the problem is, but as much as i think about working out and know how good it makes me feel, i can't make myself do it! it's so bad.

the sad part is that i have the time. most people want to, but are too busy. i'm in the perfect setup! mondays are my day off from work. wednesday nights are usually free. and i can definitely spare some time on the weekends. so i should be getting at least three days of workouts in.

I. CAN. CHANGE.

as hard as it's going to be to kick my butt off the couch, i know i can do this! after all, i have run a 10k two years in a row (see the above picture. this year was without training.. and somehow it was amazing). working out itself is not hard for me. my body whips back into shape with no problem. and this is really just a goal to be healthier. and to get endorphins! those guys are necessary.

besides the gym, here are a few other simple things i'd encourage everyone to try:

1. plenty of water every single day. you soda drinkers: give it up! only have one soda a day, if that. or limit to one cup of coffee, if that's your vice. if you hate the taste of plain water, crystal light can help. :)
2. no electronics one hour before bedtime to help you sleep. (i'm breaking this rule right now, but i'm determined to stop.) and try to get 8 hours in.
3. small meals and healthy snacks in between! this will change your body for the better, i promise.
4. having half an hour to an hour of "quiet time" after work. journal your thoughts, think about the good things in life, listen to soothing music, or read your bible (if you're a christian like me!)
5. if you're stuck in a rut like i am, try a rewards system for eating right and working out. treat yourself to something nice at the end of a good month!

i'm determined, friends.. and i will blog to show i'm actually doing it!

xo

budgeting.

2011-09-26T16:37:00.005-04:00

hey friends. i've realized as of late that the time in my life has come where i can admit i'm straight broke. i added up my necessary spending (meaning bills alone.. not counting food or gas) and as it turns out, i definitely don't get paid enough. tell me something i didn't already know. nor do i have enough room to spend on things like three birthdays and a wedding all at one time. it's scary. for a year and a half i've been living paycheck to paycheck, worrying every single day if my money is going to run out. and what will happen if unexpected spending is necessary ($545 to fix my car, anyone? just barely made it through.) i'm proud to say that i've been making it on my own for more than a year without help from anyone. but today i got so nervous that i broke down and called my dad. my parents are the best, and they help when i ask for it (which i hate doing). and i have no problem paying them back. but can i just say.. i'm tired of this life. like super tired. i love my job (except how much it pays) but it's difficult to barely be able to support myself. i even try to cut corners and i can't because 90% of everything is going to my "real world" expenses. and then of course, i go shopping every so often and end up channeling my inner julia roberts, thinking, "big mistake. BIG. HUGE."

ANYWAY. this is a venting post, i know. i'm sorry, i hate those. but here's something i wanted to share because i think it will actually work. i've come up with a three-step solution to get off the "worrying about money" track and feel better about my budget:

1. put my financial worries in the Lord's hands and ask him to guide my budgeting.
2. no spending money on clothes & unnecessary items for myself until at least new year's because i have enough of them.
3. recognize daily that i'm blessed to have a job in the first place, and i can afford all my bills without worry if i'm more careful about it.

i'm hoping it works.

xo

songs of silence.

2011-09-14T20:01:00.003-04:00

not doing too much this week.. just praying and thinking on some things.

& listening to this. it's got such a nice, melancholy feel to it.

xo.

music monday

2011-09-12T19:20:00.003-04:00

once again, it's music monday. i've been working through a list of artists and most of what i'm hearing, i like! for instance:

1. kindlewood - i don't believe in ghosts
2. jason walker - down
3. a b & the sea - yellow haired girl. or california gurls (the katy perry cover)
4. sara groves - all of her new album, "invisible empires." ps - if you're a fan, you can get the digital album for $10. a pre-release before it comes out in october. get on that!
5. abigail lapell - crescent moon

enjoy for the week!

xo

on a mission

2011-09-10T11:06:00.004-04:00

today i am on a mission.. to do everything i've been putting off :) that means.. yoga & abs (DONE!), purchasing a gorgeous bridal shower gift i've had my eye on (DONE!), errands at walmart, cleaning my house (partly done), and wrapping gifts for upcoming birthdays/events while hopefully watching something good from Redbox. then it's out for triple D's tonight.. dinner, drinks, and dancing! with some of my best girls i haven't seen in far too long.

in other news.. it's finally sunny! so i should add sitting outside with an autumn drink and a good book to my list. here's to lots of sunny fall days with pumpkin spice lattes, apple cider, comforting tea, and new boots :)

[photo via google images.]

day off thoughts..

2011-09-06T10:55:00.008-04:00

since i work 10 (and a half, counting lunch break) hours a day for my job, i get mondays completely off. which means when there's a holiday, i get TWO days off. you have no idea how happy this makes me. i get a little sad when there's a stretch of time without a holiday in it.

since this is my day off, i thought i'd do a "raw blog." in simpler terms, a blog that just says what you want to say & expresses how you actually feel. pretty rare most of the time, i find.

here goes. (in the form of a list, of course.)

1. i miss my best friend. she's never here. i spend a lot of time in my house alone. it's kind of sad.
2. i have super expensive taste and am finding ways to save for things i really want-- putting a little aside each paycheck for fun things, and also researching cheaper versions. trust me, they're out there! for example, i found this gorgeous belt i wanted and it's $18. um, no can do. so i found a very similar one for $3 somewhere else. WIN.
3. you guys know i love music with my whole heart. and i'm in the process of recording an album.. which is heading in a good direction. i have about half the tracks done. here's my real issue: there's so much good music out right now and i NEED it but can't spend money on 10+ albums! i'll have to settle for online streaming.
4. i got a coupon for free dunkin donuts iced coffee on mondays (for like, the next five mondays). i was SO excited considering the blueberry iced is my favorite (pumpkin is out now too)! so i went yesterday all happy about it and the lady tried to throw away the sacred coupon after using it. that wasn't gonna fly haha so i basically forced her to give it back to me. i mean, really.. the instructions are right there on the piece of paper. mmkay, rant over. :)
5. i need to find new books to read. perhaps i'll head to the library today. which i got a card for and still haven't been to. (the one near my old house is so much better.)
6. i think this is the first year i've done a really good job picking out presents for people. i have a bunch coming up in sept/oct, as well as a bridal shower for one of my best friends, and i will gladly admit that i have had some excellent ideas. FYI.. this usually doesn't happen.
7. i don't know how i'm usually so busy, but this past week up until today, i've basically been around the house cleaning and doing nothing. normally, this is welcome because i'm running all over the place. not now. i don't know where my hectic schedule went. the truth is, i like being busy. i get super depressed if i'm sitting in my house for more than a day or two. kind of where i'm at right now. i'm praying it doesn't last.. i pretty much hate it.
8. what is it about laundry that makes me not want to do anything with it when it's done? i don't mind putting it in the washer and switching it over to the dryer. but i cannot stand to put it away when it's done. does anyone else have this problem? literally, it will sit in the dryer for like three days after it's done. all wrinkled and waiting. i can't figure this one out.
9. we're in for a week of rain around here. which is fine with me, since it's exactly how i feel.
10. repeat countless times to self: your singleness is a gift. don't waste it.

happy tuesday. xo

today i...

2011-09-03T10:21:00.002-04:00

1. went for a 2 mile run to clear my head.
2. am going to clean. a lot.
3. will read a good book.
4. will record music.
5. will play lots of good music written by other people.
6. am going to journal my thoughts.
7. am missing my friends who don't live 10 minutes away from me.
8. need coffee. or tea. or something caffeinated.
9. am praying for my various friends who either just had a baby or are going to have a baby.
10. will stop worrying. the Lord is in control.

have a great saturday, friends.

xo

music monday!

2011-08-29T09:07:00.010-04:00

i've discovered some pretty good stuff in the past few days.. enjoy!

tennis - this guy/girl duo is so beachy fun with an old-school sound, and GOOD. i'm currently obsessed with them. they wrote their record while out to sea! and one of the songs is named "baltimore." what's not to love? listen to "marathon," though, it's my favorite so far.

clarensau - a three-person band with good acoustics and lots of passion & expression. i liked them immediately. and they have a girl, which i'm always a fan of :)

graham colton - one guy with a feel for good lyrics and some nice acoustic lovin'.

kyler england - i'm sure i've written about her before, but her cover of The Script's "breakeven" makes her worth mentioning twice.

blitzen trapper - a big group of guys with a folk sound.. they're fun all around. i really adore them.

happy listening! xo

[all images via google images]

hurricane time!

2011-08-27T09:19:00.003-04:00

hey everyone! if you're in the path of Hurricane Irene this weekend, just be safe, be prepared to lose your power, and have a lot of in-the-dark activities planned :) i don't think my power will go out, but if it does, here's what i'm thinking:

1. making hurricanes (the cocktail) since i won't be leaving the house
2. playing lots of guitar & writing new music
3. reading by flashlight
4. reading by candles when the flashlight batteries go out
5. sleeping
6. doing yoga.. lots of it
7. eating everything in my fridge before it goes bad
8. praying my house doesn't start flooding
9. being thankful for a roof
10. having an extreme amount of down time

i don't think it will hit my area too badly, just a lot of rain and wind. the power is what i'm most worried about but i doubt there will be any kind of destruction. i do have a large tree outside my window that usually hangs over my parking spaces, so you can bet i will be moving Sangria to another spot!

enjoy hurricaning and be safe! xo

[images via google images.]

music monday

2011-08-22T19:40:00.003-04:00

here are some things i'm listening to this week.. it's individual songs for this post :)

1. hawthorne - mat kearney
2. someone like you - adele
3. enchanted - taylor swift
4. song for you - jenny & tyler (just met them and they are lovely!)
5. my version of slow runner's "auto happy" with my friend larissa.. just a fun quick recording :)

enjoy friends!

xo

Journal Day.

2011-08-17T19:24:00.004-04:00

danielle over at Something Sweet has been blogging about an awesome project -- she hands out a journal topic, and her readers get to write about it and re-post it to her site. first of all, i love reading this girl's blog. she's awesome. enough said.. check her out! :)

this journal topic is kind of far from lighthearted.. but i feel like there are people out there who might need to write about this. to get something out of their system or just feel better about the person they are today. here it is:

if you had a free pass to go back and change anything in your past, with the promise that it would only affect you positively, would you do it? And if so, what would you change?

the answer i'm going to give is a fairly common one: growing up. outwardly, my life was great. i had two parents, a brother, a sister, and a dog. a nice, big house that we built when i was five with lots of land. i went to some of the best public schools in maryland. i went to church every sunday. it was pretty much an all-american deal. but on the inside, my parents hated each other. i was often verbally and sometimes physically abused. my mom had anger management problems. the cops were called to my house multiple times. the memories of screaming fights will never leave my mind. eventually, my parents divorced. by that time, i was high school and i was relieved. that was such a weird thing to tell people. i was happy my parents were divorced-- and i don't think that's a normal reaction. but i don't have a single memory of my parents loving each other, and i was ready for it all to be over. it made me a depressed and angry high schooler. i would lock myself in my room because i was terrified when the yelling started. my grades dropped and i praise the Lord every day i even got into college.

the funny thing is, it was after the fact that i realized how bad it was. in the midst of it, i was stronger than i believed myself to be. i definitely reacted in my own way (i had an addiction to cursing, bad grades, horrible attitudes), but i turned out all right. college changed me for the better and i was back to being a happy kid. my emotions were super out of whack during my college years, but i've since grown out of that too in my adulthood. sometimes i just wish i could change the way i grew up because more than anything else, i'm scared that it inhibits my ability to have lasting relationships and will prevent me from getting married one day. that sounds ridiculous when i write it out. but not being able to remember an example of love through your parent's marriage is a hard thing. it changes you. it makes you wonder if you are even capable of a healthy relationship happening to you.

i would definitely go back and change the past if i could-- having two parents who are still together and love each other is such a foreign concept to me. i'm jealous of my friends that have that. and it would make my family unit closer in general. to me, my friends are my family, just not by blood. and i'm grateful to at least have that.

xo.

where have i been?!

2011-08-16T20:41:00.003-04:00

no worries loves.. i'm back! it's been a busy time these past few weeks. here's a glimpse of what i've been up to!

USA vs. Mexico soccer game with some of my best friends

our hair helps us get on tv :)

pool time with a puppy :)

AMAZING BREAKFAST <3

out for a night of thai food & dancing!

i live such a good life. sometimes i forget that people lose their best friends through not keeping in touch or leaving college. but i'm happy to say that since i graduated in december 2008, my friends and i have only gotten closer. some of us started being friends after college! i'm noticing that's a rare thing and i feel blessed to have these specific people in my life. i know God has placed them here with me for a reason.

besides friends & soccer.. i've been planning lots of things for the next couple of months! september & october are always really busy for me. between multiple birthdays, a good friend's wedding, and lots happening at church, i am going to be one crazy chick! hopefully in the best possible way :)

ciao! xo

seester's birthday.

2011-08-04T19:52:00.005-04:00

can't believe she's 19 today. happy birthday, sis! i took her to a surprise picnic in our park by a lake, armed with our favorite subway sandwiches, my iPhone, and my polaroid camera. perfect!

[also, i'm extremely happy i got to see my puppy again. i miss her so much.]

xo.

truth.

2011-08-02T22:08:00.001-04:00

"the Lord has made proclamation to the ends of the earth: 'say to the Daughter of Zion, see, your Savior comes! see, His reward is with Him, and His recompense accompanies Him.' they will be called the Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted."

-Isaiah 62:11-12

what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord!

xo.

latest.

2011-07-31T13:06:00.005-04:00

a friend's vintage camera.

hazy coffee.

FC barcelona lineup (@ fedex field)

barcelona vs. manchester united!

red lips

limealicious

mmm.

breakfast.

xo.

the violet.

2011-07-27T20:52:00.006-04:00

one of my favorite new online magazines is the violet.. a sweet little thing recently developed and run by some lovely, artistic women! this magazine is right up my alley. it's charming, classy, and makes you feel like you're breathing in summer right as you read it. it made me want to go out and do something new, listen to their suggested playlist, and cook awesome food! it also inspired me to start thinking about hosting a darling summer party.

i am hopeful that i'll have a chance in the future to write for this awesome inspiration, but even if i don't, i will still be an avid reader. thank you, camilla, for bringing your genius to tons of people around the world (even if they haven't read it yet)! here's the violet blog as well.. enjoy!

[image via google images.]

xo.

tuesday journal.

2011-07-26T19:32:00.008-04:00

today's post is about not having it all together.

i'd like to think i do, in all honesty. what is my life? i go to work. i come home. i lead worship in my beautiful church. i write out my thoughts. i blog. but in between? i cry. i worry. i try to understand what my life is becoming before i quickly figure out that i can't decipher it all in one night.

and you know what i've been figuring out? that it's okay to be that way.

i've been working on myself-- trying to become a better person and work out my little kinks that bring me down. in fact, i highly recommend it for anyone who is having a hard time right now. if you're feeling burdened, broken down, and failed, take a minute. examine your life and ask yourself why. there's a reason for it all, i promise. a lot of truth can come with breaking down your own walls and figuring out the real root of the problem. and the fix isn't a fast one-- no amount of shopping, ignoring it, bs-ing your way through it or crying (although helpful) will heal the issue. be honest with yourself! you can make it better... in fact, you owe it to yourself.

i feel like there are a lot of changes coming up in my life, and i'm glad i'm taking the chance to be better and work it all out before i embrace another chapter of life.

"may the Lord, who is good, pardon everyone who sets his heart on seeking God-- the Lord, the God of his fathers-- even if he is not clean according to the rules of the sanctuary." - 2 chronicles 30:19

i read that this week and it struck a chord with me because i believe so much more that even if i don't feel "perfect" according to this world, i am freed from that by my Savior. hallelujah.

xo.

music monday!

2011-07-25T16:06:00.002-04:00

this week's musical obsessions:

1. flogging molly - drunken lullabies. i am so in love with irish music. and so grateful that the irishmen want to bring it out of Ireland to us americans :)
2. galway girl - going along with the irish theme, this is one of my favorite songs. check out the version i linked.
3. matt nathanson - he has a new album out (modern love) and it's pretty dang good.
4. fleet foxes - coming to a venue near me in august.. i might not make it to the show, but you should check out their music anyway. they're great.
5. ben rector - a guy in connection with another favorite of mine, matt wertz.

just a top 5 today.. enjoy for the week!

xo.

long time, no speak.

2011-07-24T10:38:00.007-04:00

it's been a while! but what i lack in daily posting, i make up in fun pictures of my life :) here's what i've been up to...

baby alayna in her 4th of july dress <3

ocean city sunset

bad happenings on the way to OC.. my friend's car :(

lovely birthday card from my coworkers

genius birthday sign made by my best friend <3

bestie/roomie and i getting ready for a wedding

our dear friends are married!!
the congressional country club in DC where they had the reception...

you know, the place where they held the U.S. Open...

no big deal :)

making the best sangria

melted chocolate and strawberries.. plus The Bachelorette :)

so that's what's been happening with me.. how about you?

xo.

tumblr.

2011-07-13T12:00:00.001-04:00

I have a good amount of friends that use Tumblr, and today I discovered its magic for myself. It's so easy to post from the iPhone app! And I always have my phone with me; I'm constantly on it.. So look for daily updates from me there since I'm clearly failing on here :)

www.loveornothings.tumblr.com

xo.

25.

2011-07-10T13:27:00.002-04:00

happy birthday to me! yesterday, actually. i had a great birthday weekend that included my mom and i taking our usual shopping trip and buying all kinds of fun things. i had my dinner at PF Changs, which i LOVE but never get to go to. saturday night we had a party at our house and my best friend and her boyfriend were so wonderful for helping out :) and getting me such good presents!! love those two.

i thought turning 25 would be slightly awful (that number feels old!), but now that it's all said and done, i think i like it. i've been a "real-world adult" for a little over a year now.. with a real job leading into a career, living in a townhouse with my roommate/best friend, and being self-sufficient. it's hard sometimes because money is tight but i am nowhere near lacking anything i need, and i am proud of myself for getting this far on my own. a lot of my friends are still living at home with minimal expenses, and there's nothing wrong with that, but i'm happy to be making it on my own and living independently.

ANYWAY. this birthday was really good and my friends are the most wonderful people i could ever wish to have in my life. i know they're with me forever and i love them so much. here's to 25!

xo.

baby, you're a firework!

2011-07-05T16:28:00.004-04:00

in honor of the 4th of july (and katy perry), trend tuesday is brought to you with a flourish & bang. we saw some awesome fireworks last night on the mall in DC, and despite the humidity, it was really fun.

all the colors

dc.

golden (my favorite)

pretty.

love these.

[all images via weheartit.]

happy 4th!

happy day :)

2011-07-02T09:16:00.002-04:00

today, my good friends jonathan & steph are getting married. i am BEYOND excited for this! jonathan is one of my best friends from college and for a semester or so, all he could do was talking about this girl stephanie he knew from home and how he wanted to date her. obviously, that ended up happening and today they will be husband and wife :) congrats you two! so excited to witness your special day!

LOVE YOU! xoxo

trend tuesday.. YUM.

2011-06-28T17:42:00.007-04:00

who doesn't love a good popscicle on a hot day? yesterday i was reading about yummy recipes to make your own in my women's health mag. they all looked super good, and the best part is that they're super good FOR you! so in light of a little inspiration...

like mom made.
wedding pops?

berries & cream.

peach!

lemon.

rasp. my favorite.

lime goodness.

wow. i would love one of these right now.. but i have a bare fridge. :( for some yummy recipes, check out these links: here, here, here, or here.. [the latter is an adult version!]

[all images via weheartit.]

writer's wednesday

2011-06-23T11:42:00.002-04:00

[image via google images.]

Hey friends! I spent some quality time with my roommate last night watching So You Think You Can Dance and US soccer.. Needless to say, this post got pushed back! But allow me to introduce writer's wednesday, a feature on books and blogs that I've been reading.

lately I've been concentrating on a book called "Searching for God Knows What" by donald miller. This isn't a new book and I've read it before, but I felt that I should come back to it for several reasons. One thing I've been dealing with is feeling like I'm loving God and serving my church more with my head than my heart. I just thought of it like that this morning in my office. As a worship director, I have to plan a lot of meetings and sunday music and that all takes a lot of organization, which I'm good at. But at the same time, I think it's been taking away from the heart I should be putting into the job, and in my life in general. I've let the work take over until it's no longer my hands willingly serving, but my brain.

Anyway.. This book is one of donald's best. Everything he writes has a great sense of humor to it, and he doesn't shy away from uncomfortable points in his faith or times he has questioned God. He doesn't pretend to have all the answers or claim to be a self-help guru. His books are great to read when you feel stuck in your faith or just don't even know what to believe anymore.. Or don't believe anything at all. He has some good insight that will make you think even if you don't consider yourself to be religious.

Thanks for reading this long post.. Back later with Thursday's theme!

xo.

owls!

2011-06-21T20:27:00.004-04:00

today is trend tuesday! and it's all about those funny little nocturnals you rarely see.. cute owls! they've become quite a trend and i was never super into them, but this weekend i bought an adorable pair of earrings and i feel like they might be my new go-to's.

here are some of the loveliest ones i've found for your viewing pleasure:

[from top to bottom: wise owls, snuggle owls, owl ring, owl cake, crafty owls. all images via weheartit.]

the cake reminds me of the time that my friends apple & riss and i made owls out of oreos and sprinkles and things. they were delicious and so cute :)

xo.

music monday...

2011-06-20T10:12:00.002-04:00

oops. i kind of missed the rest of the week after tuesday-- life got unexpectedly busy. don't hold it against me :) hopefully this week will be easier! and you'll see what i want to post for the rest of the weekdays.

well, at least we're back to music monday.. which, in my opinion, is the best day. nothing is better than some good listening. i think everyone needs music. so here's your list for the week:

1. the narrative. i saw this guy/girl duo open for eisley a couple of months ago. they were really good.. they mesh well together and they are slightly awkward onstage, cracking jokes and stuff like that. which makes for a fun atmosphere if you're seeing them live.
2. drew holcomb and the neighbors. i recently read about them somewhere (can't remember where exactly), but i was pleasantly surprised. they record with a lot of energy and i really like the vocals.. and it's 4 guys and 1 girl. that chick is brave.
3. page cxvi. kind of an underground christian band with updated hymns. think of hymns back in the day that make you want to go to sleep rather than sing them-- they're the opposite. they have a really fresh sound and remix of old-school hymns.
4. rend collective experiment. another christian band, but very unique and they have a sound that even non-religious people would listen to.
5. band of horses. i've probably blogged about them before, but they are great. they have a weird, kind of haunting sound (in the best possible way). listen to "the funeral," it's wonderful.
6. green river ordinance. they're not country (because i can't listen to that haha), but they are kind of bluegrassy/folk, comforting, and some good summer listening.
7. greg laswell. i've been listening to him for a long time now, and if i've already mentioned him on here, take it as a sign to go listen to him again. especially his rendition of "girls just wanna have fun." so good.

have a good start of the week! xo.

trend tuesday!

2011-06-14T19:24:00.010-04:00

i always love investigating trends, whether it be hairstyles, clothes, phrases that people say, colors, cars, artists, music, graffiti, religious beliefs, etc. that being said, i thought it would be fun to host trend tuesday!

this week i've been trying to figure out what the heck to do with my hair. it's long and stick-straight and i like it, but there's only so much i can do! it will not, for the life of me, curl. i get close to curls if i twist it up when it's wet and sleep in it, but even that doesn't do the trick sometimes. so in honor of summer style and wishing i had hair that would cooperate (jk, i love my straightness!), here are some of the loveliest hairstyle trends i can find. because this is definitely on my mind this week!

pretty wedding hair!

messy wavy!
this reminds me of belle from beauty and the beast <3
maybe i'll just leave it straight and grow it out...

ahh! lovely!

not that i would change anything about me for the world (i love what God has given me!), but it's fun to pretend my hair will actually react to a curling iron :) and i like seeing what else is out there to try! make sure you stop by tomorrow for "w" wednesday (it's a secret)!

[all images via weheartit.]

music monday!

2011-06-13T15:33:00.002-04:00

i know i haven't been blogging consistently recently-- life has just been so busy! but i'm making a comeback with a week full of topics.. one for each day. today, of course, is monday. which i love having off of work, except i get super lazy. here's what i've done so far today: i made a big batch of iced coffee, watched about 4 hours of the bachelorette, put away half my clean laundry, and now i'm blogging. so, so lazy. :)

ANYWAY. music monday! here it is! some summer tunes for you to enjoy:

1. old canes. this band is one of my new summer favorites. they are folky and awesome and have things like harmonicas all over their tracks. very fun and high energy.
2. the ethnographers. this group of guys & gals has an alternative-indie sound that makes you want to instantly go to their show and jump around yelling their lyrics. the female vocalists sound so sweet, and the guys aren't bad either.
3. grey kingdom. this lovely man from canada knows what's up. his lyrics and unique style has me hooked. he's very chill and his piano playing just makes me happy. check him out for sure.
4. the morning benders. these guys are just fun. they sound like you should be on a beach sipping a cocktail while you listen to them. they make me think of old-school bands from the sixties.. with new touches.
5. husband&wife. i really enjoy their electric guitar solos and honestly, i find myself swaying from side to side when listening to them :) they just like to jam.
6. beta radio. i've been playing their music every time i get in my car to drive somewhere.. they have a folk sound with wonderful harmonies that just make me roll my windows down and sing with them!
7. slow runner. you probably remember me writing about meeting this guys on their william fitzsimmons tour-- well, they're still one of my favorites. "damage points" is a great album, half upbeat and half slow and moody. i love it!
8. electric owls. they mix electronica with banjos, crowds of voices and fun percussion! what's not to love?
9. transparent things. this chick is formerly a vocalist for the band anadel, but this is her solo project. she only has a few songs out right now, but i don't even mind listening to them over and over again because she's so good. her voice is captivating, really. and the writing is great as well.
10. matthew and the atlas. i just saw them on tour with mumford & sons this past thursday, and let me tell you-- i was so happy my eyes were opened to them. great sounds coming out of this band-- acoustic, folky, fun, bluegrassy, etc. awesome.

that's the top 10 for this music monday-- come back tomorrow to check out tuesday's new theme! xoxo

vacation.

2011-05-31T19:23:00.006-04:00

the view lounging by the pool..

airborne.

little lizard friend

crane friend.

dueling pianos at this bar we found

beach!

my first steak & shake! so yummy.

pool time.

i came home from vacation yesterday.. long enough to shower, unpack, repack, and head to a friend's house to hang out :) i can never stay in one place for too long. (except in the long run-- change scares me a lot.)

my friend laura and i went to pensacola, FL for a long weekend.. her uncle and grandma live there, and we got to spend some time with them and get a tan. it was so fun hearing her grandma's funny stories and traveling tales. we had a good time lounging by the pool and on the beach. and one night we went out to this bar that had white baby grand pianos back to back.. the local crowd was there and they would go up on stage and leave tips & song requests. such a cool idea.. and so fun to be there singing along with a crowd. it was a good time.

enjoy the above pictures (taken with my phone because silly me, i forgot to empty my full camera cartridge before i left...)

oh sleep.

2011-05-17T11:35:00.001-04:00

Sleep has forsaken me. This morning I woke up at 3:30 am for apparently no reason.. and I couldn't fall back asleep so I got up at 4. This is after not going to bed super early, mind you.

Needless to say, today has been a little "off." I was emailing people at like 4:30, and finding out later that I had written the wrong things (clearly because I was out of my mind being awake that early and working). Then I got to work and I feel like I've been hit by a car. So, so tired. I need coffee in an IV to stay awake. Or a nap. But I still have 5 hours of work to go...

Anyway. I'm posting this because I'm sitting in my car on lunch break silently freaking out about things I have to get done and whatnot. And texting my roommate about how awesome it would be if we had enough money to buy a house with a pool, shoe closets, a puppy.. and be able to get mani-pedis every week. Unnecessary, but fun to dream about.

Enjoy the rest of your tuesday.. Here's hoping you're way more awake than me!

let's be real.

2011-05-15T00:10:00.003-04:00

midnight moment of honesty. i've kind of been in the midst of a quarter-life crisis for a couple months now. i don't know if i want to stay at my job which i like but don't love, and there are risks that come with stepping out of that. i feel pain every time i listen to/see one of my favorite musicians because that's all i want to be doing. i write a lot of music and i don't take it anywhere. i spend money on useless things, and then i'm hurting for it later.

here's what happened today. first, i spent the day on the eastern shore with some of my college girlfriends. we met at my friend alicia's house because she just had a beautiful baby boy. i loved chatting with my friends and catching up, feeding baby daniel and cuddling with him, and admiring the simple lifestyle that alicia and her husband are living. it seriously made me question what the heck i'm doing. they live out in the country in a simple, little house that feels so comfortable and homey. they don't need extra things. they don't spend money on things that aren't necessary (mostly because they have a new baby, but still). the whole time we were talking, alicia's husband was outside working on their patio. he makes/fixes/works on all of their household projects, and i find that so good and refreshing because i'd just pay someone to get it done. what i'm trying to say is that this visit was an eye opener for me. i saw how different they way they live is from the way i do. and how much happier they seem than i am. granted, they are married and have a new baby.. a totally different season of life than me. but still, i was refreshed watching their joy come from everything other than things money can buy. they are satisfied in their hard work, caring for their child, and little things like baking cookies (which were so good). and the only thing i could think of was, "why can't i do that? why can't i be that way?"

the other thing that happened was that i discovered a live william fitzsimmons stream from his performance in canada tonight. considering this man's music is the main source of creativity that has been driving me for many past months, i needed to watch it. and seeing him perform again reminded me that this is what makes me happy. writing, recording, singing, guitar, talking shop, meeting musicians.. you name it. this is not something i can make a living off of, i know that. but it's something i don't want to hold back from doing anymore.

maybe the reason i'm going through a so-called quarter-life crisis is that i'm fighting against doing things that will bring me so much more happiness than what i've been doing. it's just easier to go to work for 10.5 hours a day and come home exhausted, only to sit on the couch. it's easier to bid on kate spade items on eBay just because i want to have all her stuff, even if it drains my bank account. it's easier to forget about a budget than to make one and stick with it. basically, i've been so tired and trying to figure out what direction my life is supposed to be heading. i still don't know, but i do know God's guidance never fails and He leads me on.. even through this desert.

thanks for reading.

mondays.

2011-05-09T12:38:00.007-04:00

now that i have mondays off, i actually have time to get things done! i guess i could have when i had fridays off instead, but there's something about monday that makes you feel like it should be a work day. so i've been emailing and scheduling and (now) blogging. here's a little recap of my life:

hanging out with the cutest baby <3

eisley@ jammin' java

homemade chai tea.. so good!

i've been having some great weekends. and i'm really looking forward to the coming months-- you'll be seeing pictures of my trips and adventures, promise!

spring fun has begun!

2011-05-01T10:10:00.007-04:00

last wednesday i went to my first O's game of the season with a couple of fun girls.. such a good time! even though i got five hours of sleep and had to work the next morning. worth it. :)

us at the game.. ignore my non-orange attire haha

fun at the bar after...

the O's hulk hand!! and beer holder :)

me & my bestest/roomie.. with the random dude that decided to get in our picture. um, thanks?

this is why i love spring. random baseball games, plenty of outdoor parties with friends, going out downtown in the nice weather by the water, and wearing cute dresses! my next adventure is going to be a vacay with my friend laura to Pensacola, FL. that's happening in two & a half weeks and i can't wait! i am so ready for a vacation and white sand beaches. and getting tan before everyone else haha

enjoy your sunday!

sadness.

2011-04-30T15:48:00.000-04:00

This has been a particularly painful week. First of all, the amount of tornadoes that have taken the lives of over 230 people in the South. It isn’t looking to stop anytime soon. I’m a woman of faith but I’m having a hard time trying to figure out why God allows things such as weather to destroy homes, families, cities, and lives. What is the purpose of having 230+ lives claimed by a funnel cloud? As Christians we are supposed to believe that everything works for God’s glory and the outcome of tragedy is generally good in the end. But the tornado disasters in Alabama and Tennessee have got me thinking that it’s pointless destruction. Maybe there are people out there that needed a “life check,” or needed to be put in this place to start over for a reason they won’t figure out until years later. I, personally, will never know because I don’t know them. But either way, it’s a hard thing to accept that God allows bad weather to kill seemingly innocent people. And I think this is big contributor to why non-Christians refuse to believe.

In other news… a friend of my family passed away Easter morning. Coleen Jeanette Rodberg was a woman I grew up with—though I hadn’t seen her in years, I remember knowing her as a kid. First and foremost, she loved her husband Elliot more than I can say, and he loved her that much back. She used to call him her “dreamboat.” And she had the best sense of humor… she was always laughing, making jokes, and giving people a lovingly hard time. She survived for many, many years with Hodgkins Disease, breast cancer, Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, a bad gallbladder, bad tonsils, and compromised lungs. But even in the midst of her sickness, Coleen was so strong. I believe she lived for so long because of her faith and because she refused to give up. She had all of those terrible illnesses that should have taken her to the grave years ago; yet she suffered through them to live years longer. She was truly a fighter, and I’m told she had such a good and upbeat attitude even at the very end. Even though I didn’t see her often since I was a kid, I have always remembered her humor and the love she gave to my family. So Friday, April 29, 2011, my family and I will celebrate the life of a woman who I will always have fond childhood memories of. Rest in peace, Coleen. You will be missed.

[You can read her obituary here if you’re interested: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/baltimoresun/obituary.aspx?n=coleen-jeanette-rodberg&pid=150602039&fhid=4733]

happy resurrection day!

2011-04-24T10:06:00.001-04:00

Luke 24

Jesus Has Risen

¹ On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. ² They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, ³ but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. ⁴ While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. ⁵ In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? ⁶ He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: ⁷ ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ” ⁸ Then they remembered his words.

⁹ When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others. ¹⁰ It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles. ¹¹ But they did not believe the women, because their words seemed to them like nonsense. ¹² Peter, however, got up and ran to the tomb. Bending over, he saw the strips of linen lying by themselves, and he went away, wondering to himself what had happened.

On the Road to Emmaus

¹³ Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles^[a] from Jerusalem. ¹⁴ They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. ¹⁵ As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; ¹⁶ but they were kept from recognizing him.

¹⁷ He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?”

They stood still, their faces downcast. ¹⁸ One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, “Are you the only one visiting Jerusalem who does not know the things that have happened there in these days?”

¹⁹ “What things?” he asked.

“About Jesus of Nazareth,” they replied. “He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. ²⁰ The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; ²¹ but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place. ²² In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning ²³ but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive. ²⁴ Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see Jesus.”

²⁵ He said to them, “How foolish you are, and how slow to believe all that the prophets have spoken! ²⁶ Did not the Messiah have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?” ²⁷ And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself.

²⁸ As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus continued on as if he were going farther. ²⁹ But they urged him strongly, “Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over.” So he went in to stay with them.

³⁰ When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. ³¹ Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight. ³² They asked each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?”

³³ They got up and returned at once to Jerusalem. There they found the Eleven and those with them, assembled together ³⁴ and saying, “It is true! The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon.” ³⁵ Then the two told what had happened on the way, and how Jesus was recognized by them when he broke the bread.

Jesus Appears to the Disciples

³⁶ While they were still talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, “Peace be with you.”

³⁷ They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost. ³⁸ He said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? ³⁹ Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have.”

⁴⁰ When he had said this, he showed them his hands and feet. ⁴¹ And while they still did not believe it because of joy and amazement, he asked them, “Do you have anything here to eat?” ⁴² They gave him a piece of broiled fish, ⁴³ and he took it and ate it in their presence.

⁴⁴ He said to them, “This is what I told you while I was still with you: Everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms.”

⁴⁵ Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures. ⁴⁶ He told them, “This is what is written: The Messiah will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, ⁴⁷ and repentance for the forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem. ⁴⁸ You are witnesses of these things. ⁴⁹ I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high.”

The Ascension of Jesus

⁵⁰ When he had led them out to the vicinity of Bethany, he lifted up his hands and blessed them. ⁵¹ While he was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven. ⁵² Then they worshiped him and returned to Jerusalem with great joy. ⁵³ And they stayed continually at the temple, praising God.

Christ our Lord is risen.. hallelujah! happy easter!

reflections.

2011-04-18T20:17:00.006-04:00

this weekend i went on a retreat for middle schoolers that is hosted every year by my old church. this is the fifth year i've gone to serve in the worship band for them. i love being surrounded by those kids, seeing them free in worship and knowing they believe. it's easy for me to doubt that younger kids know what Jesus really means. but this retreat corrects my disbelief every time.

at one point during a time of worship this weekend, ryan (the youth pastor) was talking to the kids about "not my will, but Yours be done, Lord." that phrase has stuck with me since the weekend ended. i think that maybe my life is about 80% Christ every day. where is that other 20% then? it pours into my attitude, talking about others when i shouldn't, disliking my job so strongly some days, worrying about money, feeling like a failed musician/worship leader. it leaves me feeling not good enough.

but i think God wants us to see the best parts of ourselves and quit looking at the bad. not to ignore the problems, of course, but to get away from meaningless things. because if we concentrate on the meaningless stuff, that's all that we'll become. i don't want another day to be meaningless in my life. there's a lot i don't know. i don't know where i'll be living after another year. i don't know if i'm going to get married or change jobs or become better at music or just stay the same. but i know i'm not in control and i'm thankful for today.

"for this is our God for ever and ever,
He will be our guide even to the end."

-psalm 48:14

"Your love never fails, it never gives up;
it never runs out on me..."

-jesus culture, "one thing remains"

"in death by love, the fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
in His Name all our fears are swept away;
He never fails."

-hillsong, "take heart"

the weekend of william fitz & slow runner.

2011-04-10T14:00:00.005-04:00

if you've been following my blog for a couple months, then you know how into mr. william fitzsimmons i am. i talk about him repeatedly, because i love his music and who he is.

let's start with thursday. i had tickets to william's show for me and my friend larissa at a close venue. william's band, slow runner, was the opener and then played backup for him. we really enjoyed their music as well, and after the show we chatted with josh, the drummer. i asked where they were moving on to after this, and he said jammin java in VA, which is only about 40 minutes from us. he encouraged us to come see them again if we could, and after very little debate (it wasn't a hard decision haha), larissa and i got ourselves a couple of names on the list. then we chatted with william and he was excited to have us come back as well.

move on to friday. larissa and i are exhausted from the late show and having to get up early, but obviously it was worth it. then we mini-roadtrip it to VA for the show. we get in on the list (sweet) and hang out with josh and their manager andy while they're having dinner. the show was awesome, the best night in my opinion. after the show we hung out and i had a lovely talk with william about musical things.. meanwhile, larissa and josh got involved in a very intense game of donkey kong on the arcade machines. oh, and johnny, the bass/electric/banjo/mandolin guy, decided to wear a speedo at one point in the show. that man cracks me up. he's so weird (in the best possible way).

when we were getting ready to leave, josh suggested that we come back again seeing as they were going to be at jammin two nights in a row. we really didn't think we would at first, but we didn't have any concrete plans for saturday night, so we said we'd let him know so he could put us on the list (again). of course it didn't take long to make that choice either. and i sent josh a message putting my two cents in about a particular song i wanted to hear after listening to their newest album the whole way through, which he obliged.. so that was nice of them. we got to jammin early that night and decided to sit up front so we could really enjoy listening to our new friends. and it was so great to hear them one more time. we love love love their music (please check them out!) after the show johnny was bartending in a skintight spandex wrestling uniform (not sure if that was even legal haha) and we played another round of donkey kong with josh. they had to tear all their stuff down quickly because apparently it was DJ night at jammin, so when they started spinning we had a little dance party. mostly with andy while the guys were busy loading up the van haha we hung out and had a couple beers, laughs and pictures in the green room with them before they took off.

overall, this is the best weekend i've had in an insanely long time. it was so great from a musician perspective to chat with these guys and talk shop. my friends know that i'm not a girl who goes to shows and is like, "omg! i got to meet famous people!" haha not my style. trust me, they don't want to be idolized. and these guys were so chill it was easy to talk to them. i have no idea why they took an interest in us and wanted us to come back all three nights and spend time with us, but larissa and i were so happy to be with them. and we can't wait til they come back.

the guys doing their thing.

us & the boys of slow runner. love them.

us & william. he's brilliant.

bloglovin'.

2011-04-05T16:30:00.002-04:00

follow my blog with bloglovin.

it's a fun little thing for me & my fellow bloggers. it's a very interesting thing getting to know people in the blogosphere. i find that most people (especially the ones i have listen on my blogroll) are very passionate about what they do and who they are, and are lovely. i've emailed a few of them at times and they are always so sweet and caring, even though we don't really know each other. blogging brings out beauty, i think.

so here's to bloglovin'! we could all use a little more of that.

sun & shade.

2011-04-04T19:20:00.005-04:00

this is what my afternoon looked like:

[all images via google image.]

i came home from work and it was so lovely outside for once! i know it's because storms are coming this week, but i couldn't pass up a chance to be in the sun. (well, the shade mostly.) i sat outside on one of my tiny patio chairs and read the above book while drinking the above beverage. i didn't feel like doing anything else or being with anyone else. it was so nice just to be alone and have time to think. or get lost in a chapter. or watch a mom teach her little girl how to ride her first bike. or see people walking their dogs, their noses so excited to be sniffing the fresh air. or hear the excited screams of children playing.

spring is beautiful when it finally gets here.

it's sunny!

2011-04-03T14:43:00.003-04:00

[image via google images.]

hallelujah for a sunny sunday! seriously.. yesterday we went to see the cherry blossoms in DC and it was rainy and cold and sun-less most of the day. luckily we had a tarp that all seven of us huddled under when the hailstorms hit. yeah. hail.

but it was still a great day.. polaroids and pictures to come!

enjoy your sunday.. i'm listening to these lovely sisters today. brilliance.

forevs.

2011-04-01T10:23:00.006-04:00

happy april fool's day! i actually hate this day because i can be quite gullible, but i'm keeping an eye out for tricks :) and i'm going shopping today with my bestest/roommate. i am on the hunt for spring & summer dresses! my closet is lacking. and i'm going to try on a pair of TOMS. :)

here are some of my favorites from forever21:

(minus the thigh-highs haha)

just a few ideas! and maybe some coffee. my brain is tired. happy friday!

[all photos via forever21.com.]

pink lemonade.

2011-03-30T20:05:00.007-04:00

my blog has gone pink lemonade-y! it makes me happy. as do my close friends [pictured above from the Photobooth iPhone app] and getting ready for warm weather.

speaking of fun drinks, here are some i'm excited for this spring & summer:

1. pink lemonade (duh)
2. iced coffee (i make mine with cinnamon in the filter)
3. mojitos (blueberry ones are the best)
4. limeade with fresh lime juice
5. iced tea the way my mama used to make it
6. anything with fun ice cubes in it.. like frozen grapes or bits of fruit frozen into an ice tray
7. champagne & raspberries.. maybe on my 25th birthday? (oh yikes. i don't even want to think about that haha)
8. ice cold water after working out. nothing better.
9. wheat beer outside with friends.
10. smoothies!

just some ideas :) and a random thought: i'm trying to get past some struggles right now and one of the lyrics that is repeating over and over as i type is from Hillsong's "search my heart:"

without You, i am nothing.

so hard to remember, yet so worth remembering. trying to keep that in my heart the rest of this week.

new look & weekend pictures.

2011-03-28T19:43:00.004-04:00

hello everyone.. i decided it was time for a change! i love this background, it reminds me of twinkle lights. :)

weekend recap: USA vs. Argentina was so so good.. tailgating all day, being with great people, even getting on tv! it wore me out but it was a wonderful kind of weariness.

[from top to bottom: my best friend alicia & our wigs; Argentina's Messi (i love him); the American flag spread over our cheering section; alicia and i on ESPN2!]- all pictures c/o alicia.

it was a good time even though it was freezing cold! speaking of, what's with this weather? it's going to be april by the end of this week and i think it's horrible that we are in the 40's. i want warmth! i want budding trees and beautiful skies so i can get out my instax polaroid and make pretty pictures. so looking forward to that.

i'll leave you with some monday tunes: alex goot. i've enjoyed his electronic/acoustic goodness for years now. so quirky and different! xoxo.

wintery march.

2011-03-27T12:42:00.003-04:00

somehow winter has crept back in, even though it's march. it was snowing last night around 2 a.m. when i got home from the USA vs. Argentina soccer game. i'm trying not to mind that it's 33 degrees.. at least it's sunny.

a list for this week (maybe it will keep me motivated):

1. gym time! more than once a week haha
2. clean out my collection of shoes. i'm not an obsessed shoe shopper by any means, but i definitely have some that need to go and could replace them with better/cuter ones.
3. leave my roommate an encouraging note or two.
4. thursday worship meeting. :)
5. lots of this. it's speaking to me. don't forget that you can download for free!
6. writing and making music, hopefully. it's hard when you share walls with people and never feel like you can be kind of loud.
7. by next weekend we should be in the 60's, so outdoor time!
8. seeing my mom, who has been traveling for a couple months.
9. buying more dresses for spring!
10. keeping my house in order.. aka dishes out of the sink, bedroom & bathroom clean, recycling taken out on time! harder said than done most weeks.

i hope it's a blessed start of the week for you guys! xoxo.

NEW MUSIC :)

2011-03-24T19:03:00.005-04:00

these albums came out this month (one of which, this week). this means GET THEM.

william fitzsimmons, Gold in the Shadow.

ron pope, Whatever it Takes.

jenny & tyler, Faint Not. [ps - this one is free download for a WEEK ONLY!! get it!]

happy music day. i definitely needed this right about now.

xoxo

first day of spring!

2011-03-20T13:10:00.004-04:00

free rita's day. beautiful sunshine. breeze through my open windows. rend collective in my speakers. a clean room & dishes done. leading my church in worship.

"i will not fight You
take me past the line that my heart draws
i will not fight You
take me beyond the laziness of my thoughts"

this is happy.

so much. of everything.

2011-03-18T12:47:00.003-04:00

this has been a week of mistakes and sickness and hardship. but in all of that, these lyrics have been playing and re-playing in my head:

what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord.

seriously. i try to fall asleep at night and i keep hearing this. i think it's a good reminder for me; while everything has been falling to pieces this week, i have more than right now. i have a hopeful future and plans that i haven't even been made aware of yet.

sometimes i wish i could just take a week off of everything in my life and do what i used to do when i was unemployed.. research music all day. finding new bands, rediscovering old ones, exploring new lyrics.. and of course, catching up on my writing. i have a lot in my heart that i want to lay down tracks for, but there is simply no time. or maybe i'm just bad at making time for it because i'm far too critical of myself.

anyway.. for your listening pleasure, here are some excellent musicians that i guarantee you will love:

1. andrew peterson. oh, this man has such a way with words. and a heart for the Lord. special shout out to my best friend cait for introducing me to his work years ago.
2. generation church. sweet, sweet voices. and my inspiration this week.
3. eisley. these sisters just put out a new album, and i'm so excited to see them in april!
4. william fitzsimmons.. again. sorry, i just love him so much.
5. indelible grace. a mix of old-school worship and newer things, with plenty of talented people. it's a win-win. (again, thanks to cait haha)
6. watermark. i never get tired of this album, even after years of listening.
7. sandra.. what a brilliant woman. who also happens to be married to..
8. derek webb. haha good man.
9. jillian edwards. i've probably blogged about her before. she's awesome.
10. chris thile. formerly of nickel creek, so you know he's got it going on.

promise you'll listen? i promise it's good stuff :) have a good weekend!

retail therapy (borrowed)...

2011-03-16T17:10:00.001-04:00

check out arielle's guest blog post on shopping and following after God. (think the two don't go together? read please!)

HERE.

thanks arielle! love your blog.

<3

westboro baptist church.

2011-03-14T07:06:00.001-04:00

A week or so ago, there was a big uproar about legislation passed to allow WBC to continue to picket funerals of military deceased. Along with that came live questions and answers by Anthony Karen, a correspondent who visited members of WBC in their homes and community. Based on their answers, I wanted to put my two cents in about their views of the Christian faith.

(From a live news feed by Anthony Karen, where people can ask questions about WBC and have him answer from his recent experience with them. http://live.washingtonpost.com/westboro-baptist-church.html)

THE QUESTION:

Did you ask anyone you met from the church how they can consider themselves part of a church that has nothing to do with God and God's teachings? Did anyone of the church explain how they can bring themselves to use the word 'hate' with God?

WBC'S ANSWER:

"No man is without sin… everyone is a sinner. The difference between the reprobate and the elect is that if you are one of God’s elect and have received the gift of grace you will also receive the gift of repentance, therefore you are a penitent sinner and the Lord gives you a way to get out of that sin that so easily besets you. If you are a reprobate, the Lord will pickle you in that sin and blind your eyes and stop up your ears and harden your heart so you will never have a means to escape."

God will NEVER close the door to the option of anyone receiving his love. even if someone is an atheist until they are on their deathbed, they still have an opportunity to be saved and go to heaven (luke 23:43). God still loves sinners.. He died for everyone in the world regardless of who they are and how they live. That's where free will comes in.. it is every individual's choice to love or hate God. He knows that, yet He still has the ability to reach those who don't love Him. It is completely inaccurate that he will "blind your eyes... so you will never have a means to escape." God does not imprison anyone. Furthermore, EVERYONE is entitled to the gift of God's grace. He doesn't hand it out to the "elect." He hands it out freely for everyone to accept if they choose to. That's the beauty of Jesus' death.. Grace is something you don't have to work for or become a perfect person for, OR be appointed to have.

Also, the Bible preaches truth in LOVE... something WBC clearly does not understand. We aren't supposed to be going around judging, condemning, hating, and terrorizing anyone who isn't a Christian. We are supposed to be loving them as PEOPLE, regardless of what they believe. The atheist is my sister just as much as someone from my church. The goodness of God will completely hit a wall and be blocked if people continue to rant against non-Christians. What you believe is your own free will, and it is not up to me, the members of WBC, or any other individual on this earth to force anyone to believe that Christianity is truth. Note the word "FORCE." I do believe that Jesus is real, that He is the way, the truth, and the life, and that the Bible is true. I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for the sins of the world and that everyone who believes in Him will have everlasting life. I believe that the ONLY way to get to heaven is not by any type of works, but by simply believing that Jesus died on the cross to save me and following Him and the Bible as much as I possibly can while I am on this earth. Salvation in Jesus will not be spread by hatred and condemnation, but by a good example set by His followers.

QUESTION:

Do they believe they are going to hell with the rest of America? Or do they believe they will not because they are spreading the true message?

ANSWER:

They aren't sure if they're actually "the elect" or not, that's why they seem to live in fear of God's wrath and are set out to preach His word.

The Bible says absolutely nothing about this concept of "the elect" or certain individuals being appointed to go to heaven. The Bible does say to preach the word, but do it in a loving manner, which WBC fails at.

I just pray that people aren't turned away from Jesus because of what WBC is doing. His glory was never meant to be portrayed like this.

thankful.

2011-03-12T14:07:00.005-05:00

i'm back in salisbury this weekend to visit with some dear friends and enjoy taking a break from my busy life. i'm listening to phil wickham while larissa naps on the couch of our old house. then we are going to my old tattoo shop to get a little something done :) more about that later!

i've felt so cranky this weekend; i don't know if it's because i have to much to do and places to be and people to see, but i think i'm just tired and need to find rest in something other than actual sleep. like this (from 1 John 3):

¹⁹ This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: ²⁰ If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

i'm so thankful today for a God who knows me better than anyone else. who forgives my shortcomings. who knows what i need in the right timing, even when i can't understand that. who accepts my tears and joy and pain and weaknesses. who bears my burdens for me daily. i need all of this in my life.

i also love this mumford & sons quote today:

"in these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die; where you invest your love, you invest your life."

truth.

starting today...

2011-03-10T14:45:00.000-05:00

I’ve been struggling to find the beauty in myself this week. I feel like that concept is so beyond me.

This is what my life looks like right now:

1. A daily comparison of myself to my roommate and other friends
2. Telling people I love being single even though I don’t 70% of the time
3. Feeling exasperated about working out. And binge eating slightly.
4. Feeling discouraged about my body all the time.
5. I’m longing to do missions work again.
6. Not having enough time with my best friend ever.
7. Feeling like I never have enough money. I always want more.
8. 10 hours of work at the Coast Guard per day, leaving me tired (even though I love it).
9. Working for Fusion, leaving me stressed out a little
10. Negative thoughts and judgment a lot of the time.

This is what I want my life to look like:

1. Pure happiness no matter how Satan wants me to feel about myself.
2. Self-control to work out, eat right, and not compromise that.
3. Waking up joyful to start my days and be grateful to do work that I really love.
4. Not putting so much pressure on myself.
5. Not spending money carelessly or caring too much about having it.
6. Continuing to support international/local missions, maybe even going on a trip again.
7. Gaining more of a servant’s heart and stopping my selfishness.
8. Taking judgment out of my nature and loving people regardless of who they are and if I know them.
9. Being healthy in mind, body and spirit.
10. JESUS.

I’ve caught myself turning into a person that I don’t want to be. Some of “past me” is creeping back and I don’t want it. But God has this amazing ability to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together into a puzzle that only He knows and can create. My blessings have been ultimate; the Lord has answered my prayers for everything that I was asking for a year ago: my job, living with my best friend, income to support myself, etc. Yet I’m still so caught up in what I don’t have. I do embrace my single life as much as I can; I enjoy living on my own time and only having to worry about ME, but no one wants to be alone forever. I have a job that pays me more than enough to afford rent, bills, food, and clothes; yet I want more so I can do whatever I want at any time I want, no matter the price. (Isn’t that selfish? I do this even as I know the Bible preaches ridding yourself of love of money.) I’ve been at my wonderful job at the Coast Guard for 10 months, and am now Worship Director for my church; yet I get tired of the little work that I do and I want to quit sometimes. (The Bible also preaches against laziness and idleness.) Most of who I am right now defies what I claim to believe. I have been living as a hypocrite, and while some might say that these things aren’t the worst in the world, I see them as parts of me that I want to get rid of forever. I want them to disappear and not come back, because they are interfering with how I live and view my worth. Outwardly, you probably don’t notice these things about me. But I live with them every day and this week has made me realize just how much I need to change.

Even though I’m having trouble seeing the beauty in myself, the beauty of the Lord is that He never stops trying to bring me back to Him. He knows when I’m doing wrong and sinning, but He never condemns me for the mistakes I make. He has the ability to refine me like silver through fire, but I need to let myself be refined. My stubbornness and resistance to God is so strong sometimes, and that keeps me from Him. But at this point, there’s no greater justice I could do myself than to turn myself over to the hands of my Savior... starting today.

testing..

2011-03-08T08:43:00.001-05:00

I hate that I don't get to blog enough during the week.. Especially since I'm a writer, I want to collect my thoughts often and dispense them into the vast blogosphere for everyone to see. I've been testing some mobile apps that will hopefully allow me to blog successfully from the trusty iPhone. Breaks at work are much needed anyway.

I came back to work from a lovely weekend full of friends.. Always so good to see the best people in my life! We went out in DC Friday night and got drinks/lounged on leather couches at Lucky Bar. And danced. And got random free sprinkled doughnuts from a guy with a box of Krispy Kremes on the dance floor. (don't ask.) Saturday was lazy in all it's perfection.. My girl Lauren and I made cinnamon pancakes, watched a marathon of America's Next Top Model, and went shopping. And put kahlua in our coffee.. you know, for some added energy. And Sunday I went to church and played some awesome music for worship. It was so good.

I'm gearing up for another exciting weekend thus week.. I'll be sure to blog it. Probably as it's happening, if this app works. I'm going to become a blog-stalker. Oh, who are we kidding.. I am already. :)

Until next time,

xoxo

rainy sunday.

2011-03-06T08:47:00.003-05:00

it's a rainy Sunday morning here in MD.. but it's been a great weekend. friends, fun, quality time with people i love, justin bieber in my car (haha), and recording music. lauren and i now have four tracks up.. www.myspace.com/brokenredeemed. check us out!

i've been severely slacking on the gym and i'm thinking i need to go this morning, even though it's raining and i have no gas in my car. gas prices are ridiculous right now.. it makes me glad i only work 15 minutes away.

and i'm looking at this piece of comfort today:

"'though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you." - isaiah 54:10

praise the lord for that today. nothing can shake us too badly when we find Him in our lives.

coffee.

2011-03-02T06:30:00.003-05:00

It's one of those mornings where I wish I was sleeping, taking my time getting coffee, reading a book and making breakfast in no hurry. I love my job and working 10 hours a day is worth it to me so I can have Fridays off, but I seriously miss working 6-2 sometimes. Or 8-4. Waking up at 7 sounds glorious. But for now I'll just drink my coffee, half asleep at my desk, not particularly caring that I have to actually do work today.

On top of that, I now have two jobs, in a sense. I work 6-4 in the office, then come home, shut myself in my bedroom (or second office), and work on church stuff. Answering emails, planning worship, putting a team together, getting everything prepared for our relocation.. It's a lot of work. But I wouldn't trade either of my jobs simply because they are MINE. no one else is supposed to be doing them. And I feel fortunate that I've been called to them.

So this morning, I'm looking for a spirit of humility and awakening. (literally and otherwise.. I'm really tired haha) my life is crazy but I wouldn't want it to change right now. Maybe someday.. We'll see.

oh hey.. broken & redeemed

2011-02-20T14:44:00.002-05:00

this has been an amazing couple of weeks. i'm feeling so refreshed by the Spirit. my life is just really, really good and i haven't felt like this in a while.. so i'll take it! :)

my friend lauren came by last night and we started working on some music projects.. they are going to be an explanation of sorts of our lives in the past year, coming out of being broken into being redeemed. for our first couple of tracks, you can visit our myspace. there will definitely be more to come!

in other news.. i am excited to have monday off and do some totally random things (more on that later). i spent a lot of quality time with my girlfriends this weekend and we had a crazy night out (including getting things stolen from us.. but what can you do). it was super hectic, fun and especially epic. also, i've been having church meetings to discuss where worship is going at my church and i am embracing new challenges as a worship leader.. having a lot more responsibility and getting a band back together! excited to build that up and see where God takes us in this next chapter.

enjoy your sunday and this weather! blessings. xoxo

oh hey.. restoration.

2011-02-16T20:36:00.002-05:00

right now i'm listening to Page CXVI's music. go check them out. they are too lovely to miss. reworked hymns? yes please.

some other lovely things i'm thinking of..

1. warm weather!! two days of it starting tomorrow! oh i can't wait to be outside without a winter coat!
2. girl time.. getting all dressed up and going out :)
3. this past weekend. SO GOOD for me.
4. not getting caught in the busy-ness that is this life.
5. deals on other people's things. like flatscreen tvs.
6. lovely things happening with FFC!
7. moms that are never around but still always there :)
8. counting my blessings.
9. waiting on the Lord. He is my victory.
10. THIS:

"though He slay me, yet i will hope in Him;
i will surely defend my ways to His face.
indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance,
for no godless man would dare come before Him!"
- job 13:15-16 [NIV]

the NLT version says, "but this is what will save me-- i am not godless. if i were, i could not stand before Him." praise the Lord that i didn't choose a godless life. and yes, i had the choice. i could be living apart from Him right now. but as His word says.. "You are my Lord; apart from You i have no good thing." - psalm 16:2. and that has been true for my life.

oh hey.. love hate

2011-02-15T11:53:00.002-05:00

reasons why I love work:

1. My coworkers are funny.
2. We often have Dunkin Donuts donut holes.
3. I make the coffee every morning so it's how I like it.
4. Fridays off!
5. We are a family.
6. I get to learn cool things about the Coast Guard, such as gun mounting procedures and how to make mistakes & fix them.
7. Getting paid is pretty fun.
8. My bosses are great.
9. Pretzel breaks.
10. We have little parties for every birthday/special occasion (AKA cinco de mayo.) There is always food.

reasons why I don't love work:

1. 10 hour days.
2. Sometimes tedious.
3. Mistakes in the learning process. Lots of them.
4. I need/want more $$.
5. Sometimes i just don't want to wake up at 5:15 AM. (sometimes?? ALL the time.)
6. Staring at my computer often gives me headaches.
7. I have to listen to conversations about hunting and football ALL DAY LONG.
8. I don't actually work for the Coast Guard. (ugh, contracting.)
9. I'm on my iPhone wayyy too much.
10. My computer constantly refuses to run.

But really.. I love my job. :)

oh hey.. flashbacks

2011-02-11T09:32:00.004-05:00

as i type this, i'm sitting in my old bedroom of the college house i lived in two-ish years ago. i lived here with three of my girlfriends who were awesome. and we had a crazy time as we finished up school and left for the real world.

there are so many memories contained in this house and on my old campus (Salisbury University), and one by one they keep coming back to me. i won't write about them here and bore you. but there's something so bittersweet about coming back to a place that changed your life. they say college is one of the most important times you'll ever have, and i can say that's definitely true for me. i came into this place not knowing who i was, spent my time here figuring it out and screwing up a lot, and left being the best version of myself that i've ever known. the real world has only improved that.

i got here just last night, but even so, this little time i've spent has made me miss college and all it has to offer.. buffalo chicken wraps, late night wawa runs, talking until midnight, campus ministry, laughing all the time. i even snuck into an open classroom last night with one of my friends and sat in the front row being reminded of what that felt like.

anyway.. this is a nostalgic weekend in the best way, and i'm so happy to be here again. it's been a while. hello, old friend.

oh hey.. psalm 18.

2011-01-30T14:14:00.002-05:00

what is love that i never have to question You and Your victory.

psalm 18 goodness.

happy sunday. xoxo

oh hey.. music monday!

2011-01-24T17:33:00.002-05:00

this will probably be a regular occurrence from now on. i think it will make people's week start off right :)

here's a nice mix of spiritual & secular for ya. link up [via grooveshark]!

1. jason morant. mmm.
2. sara bareilles' newest.
3. william fitzsimmons. who i just can't help blogging about again. :)
4. tenth avenue north. i love how these boys write.
5. mumford and sons. can't get enough.
6. jaymay. she's so much fun.
7. iron & wine. just really good stuff.
8. jesus culture. latest & greatest.
9. olivia broadfield. lovely from london.
10. the script. the ultimate combo of spiritual and secular, so i had to put it in. plus you won't be disappointed.

that's all for now, happy monday! xoxo

oh hey, saturday.

2011-01-22T10:19:00.004-05:00

i love my weekends. mostly because i don't work fridays and that gives me so much freedom to do things on my own time. well, except for yesterday.. i went to the gym a little later than usual, so i was running late to meet a friend for lunch. and on the way out the door i broke something and had to clean up glass. the whole day went nonstop and i'm tired, but the majority of it was spent with amazing friends and girl's night. so good.

so on to saturday.. lunch with yet another friend, testing out my kiehls products that i just got in the mail, cleaning my house, maybe running some errands, gym time, and working on my worship set for church tomorrow. oh, and listening to a lot of william fitzsimmons. he's so soothing. and has an incredible way with music.. read this little review:

"Fitzsimmons' third effort, 2008's The Sparrow and the Crow, was a detailed and afflictive retelling of the events surrounding his divorce from his wife of nearly ten years. Written as a personal apology to her, the album is a foreboding but genuine tale of misfortune and a reconciling of the darkest point of his life. It was named iTunes' Best Folk Album of that same year. Following the release of Sparrow, William would take a moratorium from songwriting for over two years."

the sparrow and the crow is such a good album of his. and his bio is just so unique. check it out!

have a happy weekend, xoxo.

oh hey.. being filled up.

2011-01-20T22:37:00.003-05:00

my friend cait spent a few really good, much needed hours at my house tonight, during which we shared our hearts, prayed, and watched The Bachelor (judge us, i dare you haha). the thing that's striking me about tonight (as i sit here reflecting and listening to brooke fraser) is that i can't remember the last time i prayed with someone outside of church. which is crazy to me, because my roommate larissa and i used to pray daily in college. like all the time, even when we were borderline falling asleep because we were so worn out from the day. the term "pray without ceasing" became real to us.

wow. that has been sorely lacking in my life. i mean, 2010 was a really messed up, soul-distracting year for me from start to finish, and it's so easy to blame my lack of prayer on that. but seriously, isn't that when i should have prayed the most? don't get me wrong, i did pray. a lot. there's no other way i would have gotten through being jobless, heartbroken, losing my grandfather, living at home, etc. no other way. but there were times when it wasn't the kind of prayer it should have been. honestly, sometimes it was a struggle to pray. and that's sort of what i've been feeling lately.

2011 has been a very nice, refreshing start for my life. i feel happy again. i feel like i want to live my life fully. that concept, fully, is a funny one. as of right now, having a full life to me is scheduling every minute of every day and filling my planner up with lunch dates, gym time, and a million things on my to-do list. but just because i'm busy doesn't mean i'm filled.

john 6:63 - "the Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing."

wise words. and how often i forget them. well, now i'm determined not to.

oh hey.. new template & THE FUN LIST!

2011-01-19T17:43:00.003-05:00

i decided it's time for a blog change, once again. thought this template was quite appropriate considering i am a born writer and always have been.

anyway.. here's my FUN LIST! oh yay. i think i might make this a daily thing. it reminds me that i'm blessed.

1. i got a Groupon for Ecobliss.. not only is the Groupon for $50, but i got it for just $15! it's a secret how i did it though ;) excited to check out this place next friday! i adore Aveda.
2. getting my car cleaned inside out at some point (probably when it gets a little warmer and i can drive with the windows down). which i also happen to have a Groupon for. :)
3. spring/summer dress shopping!!! this, this, this, and this are just a few on my list from Target.
4. taking a legit yoga class or two! i found a yoga center close by that is only $20 to drop in on a session. i think it would be nice to do in an actual studio once in a while and get out of my small living room.
5. march 26. oh i can't wait :)
6. writing new music & [hopefully] recording are back in progress! [check out my old stuff here.]
7. G T L! (not exactly what you think. stop judging & look one letter at a time haha)
8. friday. girl's night. me, the girls, drinks, movies, love Love LOVE.
9. not really something that's happening for real, but i would love to own this pink ballerina rosy dress. it kills me with happiness.
10. sushi. can't get enough of it. and i just found a place around the corner that i can get carryout from!

i'll be back :) xoxo

oh hey.. i've been MIA.

2011-01-17T12:16:00.004-05:00

sorry for the hiatus.. i've been super busy. i always am; all of my friends and my mom always say i never have free time. my friend cait calls me "the socialite." haha

anyway. some exciting things coming up! i'll make you a list of reasons why i've been MIA and upcoming life events:

1. gym! i've been going at least three times a week and have completely changed my diet to include only healthy things (what i should have been doing all along). you'd be surprised how many places you eat at regularly have super high calorie counts. i recommend checking out the nutrition info of a restaurant BEFORE you go out to eat, so you can make smart choices. completely changed the way i eat.
2. spending time. my friend ash's birthday was this weekend, so between celebrating that and seeing friends, it's been so so busy!
3. Salisbury University. i just moved my sister into my alma mater. i. cannot. believe. this. haha six years ago this month i was moving into my dorm there and it changed my life. i am so looking forward to the next four years for her!
4. music. i've realized that i kind of lost a little piece of myself with all the 2010 craziness. a lot happened and i have no doubt that a part of me got mixed up in bad emotions and situations.. i haven't written music or recorded for months. i want to get back to that because it's a big part of me.
5. USA soccer! march is going to be the first of the east coast games and my friends and i are going! so excited. we are huge soccer fans and what makes this match even better is that it's against Argentina, so i will get to see my boy Lionel Messi (who plays for Barcelona, the team i support).
6. bargains. i love finding deals on clothes and other items. i absolutely hate paying full price for anything, even if it's $20. check out the iPhone app or link for Coupon Sherpa. you'll definitely save some money at your favorite stores.
7. spring weather. oh, i am SO ready. i want to get up in the morning and not have to wear tights to work. i like tights, but only for about a month and a half. i love bare legs haha
8. too much tv. my way of relaxing is to watch a lot of tv haha which isn't so good considering my rep as a literature major. i want to get back into reading books and lay off the remote for a while.
9. new baby! one of my best friend's sisters just had her baby girl! it's so exciting because they were both my roommates in college and even though we don't live close to each other, we are still good friends for life. and i can't wait to meet little alayna audrey!
10. 2011 changes. this year is going to bring very new and exciting things, which i can't mention here yet. but i am getting prepared for it and looking forward to change rather than dreading it.

oh, and don't forget that i work 10 hour days. that's the main reason why i don't blog often. if i could do it at work, i would have like five posts a day :) but i have a feeling the coast guard would frown on that..

until next time! xoxo

oh hey, 2011.

2011-01-02T13:53:00.002-05:00

i'm so glad for a new year. really, i am. i want to do new things and meet new people and advance my career and all kinds of other things :)

i've spent the second day of the new year getting organized! went through my mail, cleaned out/categorized my inbox, wrote some letters and did some laundry. sounds boring but it was definitely needed.

hope all of you had a wonderful new year's eve! mine was full of dancing, drinks, fireworks, and my lovely friends. it was great.

now it's back to the real world.. ciao!

xoxo.

oh hey music & new year's :)

2010-12-30T23:06:00.003-05:00

call it a story brings my past to present. not always good, but good to listen to.

a day away from 2010 - very glad to leave this year behind. i've never had to say that before, but it's true. this is what the past year brought me:

1. heartbreak.
2. losing my first "real world" job.
3. having to go on unemployment at age 22 to pay my bills.
4. nearly 6 months of being unemployed.
5. more than one cancer diagnosis
6. my great-aunt dying
7. two of my besties leaving for England and staying there for a year
8. zack getting deployed
9. family problems
10. a few other awful situations that i won't mention here

BUT, there was a little bit of light..

1. finding an amazing job!
2. becoming totally independent
3. rooming with my best friend
4. reconnecting with college loves
5. my church & leading worship
6. training for and running my first 10k

i am grateful for 2010. it taught me a lot. i definitely grew. i figured out what goals i want to aim for and who i want to be. so ready for 2011 though!

happy new year!

oh hey.. twinkle lights!

2010-12-23T11:00:00.010-05:00

there is something so comforting about lovely little twinkle lights. recently i've had visions of decorating my bedroom in them.. but who can find the time to take on another project :) so for now, enjoy these!

also.. highlights of today: holding a co-worker's beautiful 7-month old baby boy & unexpectedly making plans to see a good friend. makes me happy. :)

[all images via googleimages & weheartit.]

xoxo.

oh, hey.. i forgot about you. :)

2010-12-19T10:20:00.004-05:00

welcome to a new chapter of my blogging life.. i've changed this blog into something i call "oh, hey!".. it basically means that every post will begin with that little statement and i'll just continue to write about my life through that. i realized i start a lot of posts like that so why not make into something bigger? i'll probably throw some new features in here as well, like a weekly music blog or share some things i like with you. anyway..

i never realize how busy i am until i come to my blog and see that not only have i failed to write, i've failed to read other blogposts. and i love reading blogs! ultimate fail. i probably haven't been back here in at least a month. awful.

anyway. it's christmastime.. hard to believe it's only 6 days away! but there are a lot of things to rejoice in this holiday season. i'll make you a little list:

1. apple & riss returning safely from england!! i can't even express to you how happy i felt to reunite with them!
2. seeing more people than expected at a friend's annual christmas gathering. i saw so many of my old friends!
3. getting starbucks coffee & an iTunes giftcard as my secret santa gift at work.
4. a nice little snowfall that was the perfect amount.. nice to look at, covered the ground, but didn't create a blizzard that traps me in my house for a week. (ahem.. last year. ugh.)
5. i'm really happy with the gifts i've gotten everyone for christmas this year. it can be hard to buy for my family but i got some things i know they will enjoy.
6. i really love my church. and having a big part in worship there.
7. my busy life. it can be so tiring but i definitely have many reasons to wake up in the morning and LIVE, so that's awesome.
8. my new guitar.. so happy to have something quality to make music on!
9. hot chocolate & peppermint schnapps. delicious.
10. Jesus is my main reason for living every day on this earth, so He definitely makes this list! not to mention He's the whole reason why we have Christmas.

have a happy holiday!! xoxo

oh hey monday.. you weren't awful for once!

2010-12-06T17:15:00.002-05:00

my loves come home TOMORROW!! oh england, you've kept them for far too long.

today's work day went by really quickly.. and that's saying a lot for my 10 hour days! usually i start dragging by 2 pm. but before i knew it i looked at the clock and it was 3 pm with only an hour to go.

i have a big to-do list this week but i'm hoping to get it all done. my room was a wreck so i cleaned it as soon as i got home today.. and i've got some dishes to do, worship to plan, gym time to put in (now that i've finally committed haha can't beat $10 a month!), and relaxing. my mom is dropping off a bunch of food for me tonight because she's the best. simply the best. i also need to plan for our christmas party this weekend. and i'm missing my roommate, who went home to PA. it's a bit lonely in this little house. however, christmas decorations make me feel so much better :)

currently i'm listening to good old war, a band that opened for chris carrabba when i saw him on friday. they were so good live. really great, check them out. i think you'll be pleasantly surprised. and also, i'm a teeny bit obsessed with Mad Men as of late. the clothes, the characters, the 60's. i watched the first five episodes of season 1 via On Demand, and now i want more!

so. i'm just saying this has been a good monday. very rare in my life, but i'm glad. :)

busy. so busy.

2010-12-05T00:53:00.003-05:00

i haven't had any time at all to blog. hence why it's 12:53 pm and now is the time to write.

exciting news:

1. the england girls are home in 2 DAYS. can't even believe it.
2. i have two holiday parties coming up that i am excited for.
3. i have a beautiful, brand new, well deserved & waited for guitar. FINALLY.
4. i'm joining my gym to shape up for my 10k. again.
5. my church did Help Portrait in baltimore city this morning and it was amazing.
6. i slept in on friday morning. a rarity.
7. my room is currently a wreck.. but at least i got the dishes done :)
8. i had chick-fil-a twice today. and i loved it.. no regrets.
9. i saw dashboard confessional on friday night and chris carrabba is one amazing man.
10. i'm getting my christmas shopping done.. slowly but surely.

more soon!

motivation.

2010-11-28T09:02:00.003-05:00

this is something i consistently lack. motivation to work out, get up at 5:30 a.m. for my job, clean, keep my room neat and tidy, and go grocery shopping is not in abundant supply right now.

i have to get motivated if i'm going to do my 10K from last year, though.. seems early to sign up but Zooma has a deal where you sign up before Nov. 30 and get a free t-shirt. i can never seem to turn that down.

in other news.. i need to go christmas shopping. the holidays are kind of awful now that my family isn't really a family.. but i still have my friends to think of too. my house is decorated all christmas cute, so that's nice.

and now i figure.. why not end the 30 days of truth. it's about time. so here you go.

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Jesus Christ, without a doubt. He is why I live. without Him, i might not be alive. everything from my car accident to depression to having no faith might have killed me, but He gives me reasons to live.

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

yes. my sophomore year of high school was a really bad time for me. since elementary school, i had always been a great student (except for math, which i will never understand). my parents were at the height of their horrible marriage and were constantly screaming at each other, and they finally got divorced. it wasn't a surprise or anything, but i remember feeling awful all the time outside of being with my friends and my extracurricular activities. my grades took a turn for the worst. life in my house was not fun.. i remember just locking myself in my room and not coming out. there were times i wanted to die. i still thank God that i never actually wanted to do anything to myself, that thought was in my head but i always knew i couldn't go through with anything. i did feel hopeless. but i'm glad i didn't give up. when i went to college, things got much better.

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

my job and my work at church. having a leadership role there has been such a good experience.

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

i'm not having sex 'til marriage, but if i got pregnant, i would keep the baby. i mean, at 24 years old, i have a stable job and i'm a mature adult. it's not like i couldn't raise a kid. but i wouldn't want to get pregnant outside of marriage ever! and if i really felt i couldn't raise a child, i would give him or her up for adoption.

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

sometimes i just get into a frame of mind where i am negative and nothing is good.. i don't like that about myself. granted, that happens mostly at times where things really are not going well. but i don't like to be so down about it-- i'd rather be able to fully trust God for what He can do in those situations and not give up so easily. oh, and having panic attacks. but i don't think i have control of that one!

Day 30: Tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

i don't like being self-glorifying! haha but here it goes.

1. my sense of caring for other people.
2. the fact that i successfully taught myself how to play guitar, and i'm good at it.
3. being able to sing.
4. my love of Post-It notes to write encouraging things :)
5. my vision for my future, even though it daily changes and is always uncertain
6. my ability to be a writer.
7. being a good role model for my sister.
8. being a good friend.
9. never getting tired of music!
10. i love that i can cook. i've discovered that some people just can't haha

end of the 30 days! hope you enjoyed it.

bearing the yoke

2010-11-27T08:39:00.003-05:00

Lamentations 3:27-33

"it is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. let him bury his face in the dust-- there may yet be hope. let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. for men are not cast off by the Lord forever. though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. for He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

i've been thinking about this since i read it last night. i find myself in lamentations a lot when things are going badly.. lamentations 3 is my favorite to read. i usually read the beginning of it, but this time the end spoke to me more. "it is good for man to bear the yoke while he is young.." i'm definitely in that stage of life right this second. a lot of unfortunate circumstances have built up on my shoulders, and while i'm happy to say that for once in my life i didn't cause them, they're still hard to deal with. "though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love." thank God for that, because i can't fix my own grief. i've tried. it doesn't work.

so today i just wanted to share with you that i'm really grateful for the Lord's comfort and His unfailing love.. and the knowledge that "bearing this yoke" is actually a good thing at this point in my life.

more 30 days & thanksgiving.

2010-11-26T21:07:00.003-05:00

sooo thanksgiving was pretty good.. we had lots of food and it was just me, mom, brother, sister, grandma, cousin, and bro's girlfriend (who i like a lot). my great aunt passed away that morning though. she was old, living in TN, and battling cancer. i wasn't that close to her since she lived so far away, but i remember visiting her when i was little and she was hilarious and so full of life. she was that way til she died. my mom was close with her so i felt so bad that she had to deal with that in the midst of trying to cook thanksgiving dinner and all that. pray for her if you think of it.

and here is more 30 days:

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

immediately repent of my unkindness and beg God not to let her die (if it's serious). and tell her i love her and i'm sorry over and over again. i actually think about this kind of thing fairly often and though my bestest and i rarely fight, i try not to let either of us leave the house in bad spirits :)

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

i wish i hadn't fallen in love with someone. because it's something i'll always have to live with (as of right now.. i'm hoping that will change when i meet someone i'm going to marry haha). it has hurt worse than i can describe and while it's over, i still regret that it even happened because it has clearly turned out not to be worth it.

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

i wish i had gone to college knowing what i wanted to do. i never had a certain track that i was on to become something or make a career out of anything. but that being said, i think i ended up in a pretty good place. i LOVE working for the coast guard and it's so rewarding to know i'm helping a whole fleet of people serve the military and do their job better.

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists)

this playlist is for anyone that loves music.

1. when paula sparks - copeland. one of my favorite bands, and when i hear them play this song live, i get chills. i just love in.
2. winter song - joshua radin. just a really nice acoustic song. i could listen to it over and over again.
3. after the storm - mumford & sons. just listen to it. :)
4. C.S. lewis song - brooke fraser. a song written from c.s. lewis quotes. genius.
5. glass - ingrid michaelson. describes how i feel a lot of the time.
6. be near me - bethany dillon. my favorite song from my favorite christian artist.
7. fix you - coldplay. makes me cry.
8. what sarah said - death cab for cutie. a very emotional song, so listen to it if you have lots of emotions haha
9. all about us - he is we. a very fun love song. this might be played at my wedding or something.
10. hide and seek - imogen heap. she's a genius. i can't say anything else about it -- you just have to listen to it!

enjoy the playlist! and i'll be back to finish off the 30 days of truth!

continuing the 30 days.. a little late :)

2010-11-22T19:15:00.004-05:00

i know i'm behind with my 30 days of truth.. sorry :) things have been crazy. two good pieces of news: one of my best friends has finally moved home from Nashville (the Nash, as i call it) after living there for about 5-ish years. and in a week and a half i will be reunited with my loves that flew away to england for a year.. breaking my heart in the process haha but i'm SO happy they are coming home!! good times await. and without further ado..

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

a book i read that constantly blows my mind is the bible. it's my life, you know? the way i live, speak, think, act, trust, love, ect.. it all comes from this source. it changes my "normal" human view into one that is more humble, gentle, and not quick to rush into bad things. it's definitely changed my life.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

the bible is pretty clear about gay marriage.. i don't agree with it. that being said, i would never treat someone badly just because they are gay. people are people, and deserve to be respected.

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

obviously, my thoughts on religion are that i follow it haha but i want to say that organized religion can sometimes be a bad thing. some churches definitely stray from what the bible teaches and i don't agree with that. everyone has a different opinion, and while i respect them all, i choose to follow Jesus Christ and all that the bible stands for. as far as politics, i don't keep up with that subject on a regular basis, but i do think it's important to vote and when the presidential elections roll around, i pay attention and vote for whoever i think is best based on my informed decision.

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

drugs: never done them, never will do them. alcohol: in moderation, of course. i love going out and having a drink with my girlfriends, or having a couple beers while watching sports. heck, i even enjoy the occasional birthday shot :) and i am getting super excited for peppermint schnapps in hot chocolate during the wintertime. but i don't agree with drunkenness and avoid it at all costs. i don't get why someone wants to drink so much that they pass out, fail to remember what happened last night or have to vomit their guts out.

anyway. the rest of the 30 days will be coming soon!

perspective

2010-11-16T18:18:00.001-05:00

It's all about perspective.

Really, it is. That came to me a couple days ago after a bad conversation with my dad, who is basically abandoning my family for the holidays to be with his girlfriend. Granted, my family hasn't been "normal" for years, so it wasn't a surprise. But even though my parents are divorced, we've at least always done the holidays together. And it used to be fun, until now.

Anyway, I got off the phone with my dad, tearing up and not feeling good at all about how my life has turned out because my family is a wreck, when I got an email from a friend in reply to me asking how her weekend was. Well, she hurt her foot, missed a concert she wanted to go to due to traffic, and lost her credit card. Oh, did I mention that her car is now missing/stolen? Yeah. It didn't take long for that perspective to kick in.

Then, of course, my thoughts went to all the other people in my life that have it worse than I do. I've mentioned a few of them more than once on here.. cancer, going off to war, living in desolate circumstances, etc. What does it even mean to call my life "troubled"? Sometimes I get caught up in a whole lot of self-pity. Sometimes I really believe I deserve to feel that way. But most times I need a great big reality check and have to face facts: that while my life is a little complicated, it's nothing compared to other people who are truly suffering.

I needed that reminder yesterday.

days 15 & 16 - living.

2010-11-14T11:43:00.002-05:00

heyyy all. time to catch up on the 30 days project, which is definitely turning out to last more than 30 days. but i'm busy.. so what can you do. :) my weekend has been nice and relaxing, with a little bit of stress but nothing i can't handle. some things just can't be explained as to why they're happening, and i'm learning how to deal with that. like my best friend's dad fighting cancer, a good friend going off to war, and my roommate getting her car window smashed in. makes no sense, but things happen. anyway, here are #15 and 16.

day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

that would be Jesus and my faith. i have experienced it since the day i was born; my family took me to church every sunday. but i never knew anything about really knowing God. i never read my Bible. i was never taught to have a quiet time. and even when i started college and finally figured it out, i messed up and would occasionally try to live without thinking about God. sometimes i thought i could do it all on my own. but the truth is that i really, truly cannot live without Jesus being in my life. nothing else makes me better.

day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

as for something tangible, i can live without a credit card haha most people find that difficult, but to this day i still haven't gotten one. and don't plan on it in the future unless i really need it for something crazy. if we're talking something non-materialistic, i could live without memories of my past relationships that haven't worked out. i don't like to live in the past, but my heart does. from time to time i find myself re-living the way things used to be, which proves to be senseless and awful. the pain comes back and leaves me feeling badly, and that is definitely worth living without.

veteran's day/days 13 & 14 - bands & heroes

2010-11-11T11:29:00.004-05:00

continuing the 30 days of truth. but let me just give a shout out to the veterans world wide.. old or new to that, whether they've seen war or not, regardless if they've been on front lines or simply worked at a computer: thank you. it's a priceless thing to do what you're doing.

day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.

being a musician, i obviously love music and a lot of artists. (a LOT.) but i can think of a few bands/people who have gotten me through hard times. in terms of heartbreak and such, copeland is a band that i have loved for years (and have had the privilege of also being friends with a couple of guys in it, i'm a little biased). the way their songs are written and played come from the heart, and every time i've seen them live, i feel like it's the first time. they are poetic and awesome.

in terms of christian artists, bethany dillon is my number one. she was one of the reasons i started writing, and my admiration for her will probably never die. she speaks truth into everything she writes. hillsong and jesus culture are the two others. they write and worship with their lives and many of their songs have gotten me through rough days. i always think of the JC song "You are Faithful" because that was my theme song for a few months awhile ago.

day 14: A hero that has let you down.

hmm. besides Jesus (corny, i know), i don't know that i've had any real heroes in my life, much less one that has let me down. i guess if i had to pick one i'd say my dad. in an ideal world, a daughter's father is supposed to be her role model.. ever loving, forgiving, compassionate and caring. my dad doesn't express those values to me. that's kind of a letdown. but he's given me a privileged life and i'm grateful to him for that at least.

DAYS 11 & 12: compliments.

2010-11-08T21:28:00.002-05:00

continuing the 30 days of truth..

day 11 - something people seem to compliment you on the most.

my eyes and hair. i don't know what it is about my hair, but it's a very frequent occurrence that someone tells me it looks good and asks if i've gotten it cut or dyed (no, i don't dye my hair). even my closest friends who i see all the time ask me!! i think it's because i'll go for periods of time wearing it up, so when i wear it down it looks like i've done something new. either way, i'll take the compliments :) and my mom is always saying that my eyes are beautiful. my response to that is, "mom. they're YOUR EYES." haha.. no joke, my brother, sister and i all have our mom's eyes. thanks mom!

day 12 - something you never get compliments on.

hmm.. i don't even know how to answer this. i will say something i would never compliment myself on: my handwriting. not that it's awful, but i tend to write quickly and by the end of the paragraph, i hate how it looks. which is bad because i journal a lot. when i write little notes to my friends i try to make it prettier. (once again, my mom says she loves my cursive writing when i write cards to her on holidays. go figure.)

come back later for more answers!

30 days of truth -- 6-10

2010-11-07T08:41:00.004-05:00

i've been so behind with my 30 days of truth.. so here are a few at once.

Day 6 - something you hope you never have to do.

i truly hope i never have to say goodbye to someone i love or know (long-term. i have friends that live all over the world so i feel like i say goodbye on a semi-regular basis haha). i hope i never have to say goodbye to a family member or close friend because they're going to heaven. you never know what's going to happen in this life but i never want to experience that until i'm like 80.

Day 7 - someone who has made your life worth living for.

Jesus Christ. before i knew what it meant to follow Him, i was kind of a mess. knowing the Lord has made me a much better person and has enabled me to live freely, with forgiveness, made new in my mistakes, and grow close to people without judgment. i'm still a sinner, but i'm a sinner saved by grace.

Day 8 - someone who has made your life hell, or treated you badly.

hmmm. that's a tough one because it sounds so harsh. but i'd have to say at one point in my life, my parents. it hasn't been easy dealing with their divorce and various family circumstances. at one point during my sophomore year of high school (the year they got divorced), i spent almost all my time holed up in my room crying and not wanting to do anything. my grades suffered and i was falling apart. it was because of my family situation and while things are okay-ish now, my parents definitely made growing up a little harder.

Day 9 - someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

one of the things i dislike about life is that you can be so close to a person at one given time, but they can just as easily fade away. i don't know that there's anyone in particular that i feel like i need to have back in my life, but there are friendships i still have that have changed and aren't the same. i guess there are times that i'd like to go back to the way things used to be.

Day 10 - someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

i've recently let go of a friend that i was close to for a few years throughout college/the real world. and that was a very smart decision for me because the more i viewed the situation, the more i realized that the relationship was 90% about the other person, 10% about me. i think friendships need to be around 50-50. i wasn't happy in that friendship and i have to say i'm relieved it's over.

until next time!

eye opener.

2010-11-05T13:49:00.003-04:00

hey friends. i've been super busy this week and have had no time for blogging. but i wanted to tell you some things before i headed out to the tenth avenue north show tonight at grace fellowship. :)

last night the guys and i had a worship meeting with one of our own who is getting deployed to Iraq. he leaves in a couple weeks for training, then comes home for a month or less, and heads out to the desert for six months. he has a wife and three kids, one of which is only a few months old. i love this brother dearly and i'm heartbroken to see him leave us, but at the same time i'm more proud of him than words can express. anyway, we were praying over him and his wife last night at their house and it just hit me that if this brother of mine can leave his wife and children and head straight into the face of danger and mystery, i should be able to do so much more than what i currently am with the life i live. does that make sense? it's kind of hard to put my thoughts from last night into words. but i guess i figured out by his example that i've got to straighten myself out and spend more time doing/saying/thinking things that MATTER. lately i've been tied up in a myriad of wasted emotions and exhaustion. while my brother is preparing for war, i've been preparing for virtually nothing. that's kind of what hit me last night. and in honor of him (and Jesus) and the sacrifice he's making, i want to change how i live. it's not that the way i'm living is bad per se, but my focus is rarely on the right things as of late, if i can be honest.

so these next six months and on while he's gone, i'll be changing while he is. hopefully both of us can change for the better and not backtrack. i know the Lord is firmly holding on to us and taking back what is rightfully His. even when we're slipping away, His grasp gets that much tighter and i'm so grateful for that.

and to my beloved brother..

you are so special to me and it breaks my heart that you have to leave us, but you are supposed to do this and you are covered in our prayers and love. we will be taking care of your family while you're away and lifting you up daily. God never lets an opportunity go to waste; He puts us in those situations and now it's up to you to show who He is in all that you do, even in a dry, hot desert with little comfort and being apart from all of us. i'm so proud of you and i know your children and wife are as well. this will be a hard six months but use that time to grow closer to God rather than fall away, and know that we'll be waiting for you with more love than you can ever imagine. in every worship set i do after you leave, i'll be thinking of you and missing you.

LOVE YOU!

DAY 5 - HOPES

2010-10-31T10:11:00.002-04:00

Day 5 of the "30 days of truth."

something you hope to do in your life.

for me, this would be get married and have a family. a lot of the time i think i'm unsure about having children because i grew up in a household with a bad marriage and a lot of sibling rivalry (see previous post). but if i have my own family, i think it would be a chance to do things the right way and show my kids what love really is. i hope that happens. i'm 24 and single right now and i know i have time, but everywhere i turn my friends are seriously dating, engaged, married, or having children. my life is good but ideally, i would love to get married before i'm 30 to have a couple/few crucial years just me and my husband, then start having kids. but the Lord has a plan to do whatever He wants with me and i have to trust Him that He knows best (even though that's super hard sometimes.)

oh, and happy Halloween! my roommate and i have a senior high schooler's photoshoot today, then we're going to camp out at the house making apple cider with spiced rum and handing out candy to the kiddos of our neighborhood. :)

fridays off are lovely & DAY 4 - FORGIVENESS [part 2]

2010-10-29T11:50:00.004-04:00

today i am feeling super proud of myself. not only did i go running for the first time in a few months (yikes), i did a yoga workout with jillian michaels. JILLIAN MICHAELS. she is tough but so good at whipping people into shape! i did most of the workout and having never been a yoga person, i just thought that was something noteworthy. :)

also, today's post is Day 4 of the "30 days of truth."

something you have to forgive someone for.

this is a tough one. it's hard to admit things in the blog world because it's a crazy idea to think of strangers reading your personal thoughts. but one of the reasons why i decided to do this 30 day experiment was so i could be honest with myself and grow as a person. that's already happening and it can only get better, even through painful posts such as this one.

growing up, my family seemed fine on the outside. to everyone else, we were normal with a big house, two parents, a dog, my brother, sister, and me. but what everyone doesn't know is that to this day, i don't have a single memory of seeing my parents love each other. not one. (they're divorced now, by the way.) my parents, while they were great at providing for us kids financially, struggled bit with the emotional part.

#1- my dad.
my dad does not tell us he loves us. he doesn't know how to be an outwardly loving father, and i don't think that's his fault necessarily, but it was hard to watch my sister grow up begging for him to hug her before bedtime. he's great with babies and little children, but it's almost like once you get out of that stage, you're done getting loved on. and that has been a hard thing to deal with. he's also wickedly stubborn and will never admit he's wrong. he blames everyone else for his mistakes. it's very hard to watch him claim to be a Christian. while nobody's perfect, he is certainly not following Jesus, even though he has gone to church every Sunday since i was born. i guess i have to forgive him for making me feel unloved and a myriad of other things.

#2- my mom.
my mother was a stay at home mom from the time i was born til my sister went to middle/high school. she was there for us before and after school, giving us snacks, making dinner every night, being an caring mom and watching over us. that part was good. but she had major anger management issues as i was growing up. i was a really good kid; i never did anything very wrong and i never got into trouble besides a few little kid things. but despite that, my mom's anger would get out of control and she would beat my brother and sister and i with one of my dad's belts. (hard.) looking back, i do think this was some form of abuse. it was never bad enough to put me in the hospital or anything like that, but it was still very wrong. i definitely had bruises and marks from her fingernails. besides the physical part of it, she would scream at us like no one i've ever heard before. i'm 24 years old and if she were to still use that tone of voice around me, i would cry. all of this has stemmed from her bad relationship with my father and others, and i get that. i just hate that she took it out on us kids because it has been very hard to look past it in my adult life. i still need to forgive her for creating that environment in our house.

i've been struggling to understand/forgive my parents for years, and maybe i can finally figure out how to deal with it.

DAY 3 - FORGIVENESS [part 1].

2010-10-25T21:02:00.003-04:00

day 3 of the "30 Days of Truth" is..

something you have to forgive yourself for.

i would say trying to measure up to everyone else around me. mostly other women around my age. doing this to myself is like torture that i can't stop. i know God created me with my own personal plan that He has in mind and more love for me than anyone on this earth could have. i read other christian blogs written by women seemingly just like me, except i find them to be so much freer in Christ than i have been. that's probably what hits me hardest. we all know and follow the same Way, Truth and Life; yet i feel like they have a greater grasp on it than me. i don't even know why i feel that way. i just read what these incredible women write about and are praying for and how their lives are going and i just WANT THAT. i want to love Jesus more than life like i know they do.

so maybe it's not so much the forgiveness of wanting a different life i have to deal with. maybe it's forgiving myself for falling short of knowing all that the Lord has for me and continually turning away from it. and making a change to embrace my life and live it fully and in all its beauty, even in the highest joy and deepest pain.

DAY 2 - LOVE.

2010-10-25T20:40:00.002-04:00

Day 2 of the "30 Days of Truth" is..

something you love about yourself.

i really like the fact that i always want to be there for my friends. if they need me, i try to come running. if they want a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or words of advice, i offer all of it. they do the same for me. i love knowing that they can rely on me (and hopefully they know that). a lot of us have been through hard times together, but having someone you know you can trust is priceless.

also, i love my eyes. because they are my mom's and brother's and sister's. (no one got my dad's haha.) my mother is always telling me they are so beautiful. and i just go, "mom. they're YOURS." :)

last but not least, i love the fact that i was able to teach myself to play guitar. it's the one thing i've ever accomplished truly on my own. i bought my first guitar on eBay for $150 and didn't even know if i would get the hang of it-- now it's my love. i lead worship for my church and record and write and it feels like i've done it forever. and it never gets old.

until next time.. <3

DAY 1 - HATE

2010-10-24T11:23:00.003-04:00

[this is the first post of the "30 Days of Truth" experiment.]

Day 1 is something you hate about yourself.

I think I'd say how insecure I can be. Of course, that's true for every girl. But for the past six-ish months I've found myself living in the shadow of other people. On paper, my life is wonderful. I have a job I enjoy, enough money to pay rent and keep me alive, a townhouse and my best friend as my roommate, and a busy social life. God has blessed me. Still, in all of that, I find myself getting jealous sometimes of people that have better jobs, more money, boyfriends, etc. This is completely irrational for my happiness, and I'm more than aware of that. It's something I've been coming to terms with for a while. The good news is that I've stopped trying to care so much about everyone else's lives. (Don't read that as "i don't care about people.") I'm learning not to focus on how well off everyone else is and just look out for myself and live my own life. I wish the insecurity I feel could go away on its own, but the truth is that it takes a lot of work. But life is not a competition, nor should it be viewed as one. It can definitely feel like one sometimes. I'm trying to quit competing and start living.

30 days of truth.

2010-10-21T23:14:00.002-04:00

this is something that i've seen on quite a few blogs the past couple of days, and i was really debating on whether or not i wanted to participate. but i've decided to because i think 1) it will help me grow, and 2) you get a little bit of insight (or a lot) as to who i am. the good and the bad.

i know some of these things will be hard for me to admit to myself. however, if they're hard to admit, that probably means i need to work on an issue. at the very least, this will be interesting.

so here's the original "3o Days of Truth" list:

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you badly.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

i'll start with Day 1 sometime this weekend.

get this

2010-10-19T17:55:00.003-04:00

jj heller's new album. she has the sweetest voice, the most inspiring lyrics, and best of all, she sings this album with her husband. ADORABLE. lots of love and passion.

preview here until midnight tonight!

also, bryce avary of the rocket summer released a 6-track EP today (Men & Angels, the B Sides). also worth listening to!

have a lovely musical day.

<3

times.

2010-10-16T10:21:00.002-04:00

i know i need You
i need to love You
i love to see You, but its been so long
i long to feel You
i feel this need for You
and i need to hear You
is that so wrong?

now You pulled me near You
when we're close i fear You
still i'm afraid to tell You
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?

i hear You say "my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, it's in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, it's underneath
it's inside, it's in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
i'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
i'm there through your heartache
i'm there in the storm
my love, i will keep you by my power alone
i don't care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends."

- "times," tenth avenue north.

this is my story right now. in all its heartbreak, struggle, joy & entirety.

go USA!

2010-10-12T10:24:00.003-04:00

okay. taking a break from lists to blog normally. because i woke up way too early and had a giant cup of coffee and am chatting with apple in england. who comes home in exactly 56 days. YES.

today is a lot of things. USA vs. Colombia in PA with my friends.. tailgating, face paint, soccer; what else can you ask for? it's also the day that a lot of good music debuts. states, joshua radin, brooke fraser. go get 'em.

confession time. here has been my life as of late: anxiety, not sleeping well, jealousy, a smidge of suppressed anger and just trying to be completely happy and not always succeeding. things are getting to me. also, it does not help that my neighbors like to do "it" through my walls every other night and that i feel like i can't record my music because i will be too loud. what an unjust world.

don't get me wrong.. i know have a great life. i recognize that. i have the most amazing friends, and i'm constantly busy seeing people which is my favorite thing to do. i have a job that gives me flexibility which i technically shouldn't have. i can work out for free in my office gym but i get too lazy to take advantage of it (that's changing this week). i lead worship for my wonderful church and i am so glad that part of my life still exists after college. my women's bible study just started and it's going to be impactful on my life, i can tell. and as someone once posted in a comment on a previous blogpost of mine, "you have a beautiful life." now why can't i see that? even when it's laid out in front of me, all i feel are things holding me back from it. money; friends getting engaged, married and having babies when i'm not; the small daily complications of being human. good lord i'm a hot mess.

let me just say this: i know Jesus is the one in control of my life. as much as i try to control it myself, nothing i ever do will be able to measure up to what He can do for me and through me. i definitely mess up a lot and forget Him and have to repent for things more than i'd like to admit to you. and even while i'm feeling unsure of what my life holds and sometimes let my emotions run wild, i know that He is what i absolutely need to come back to and cling to. even in death i'm alive. truth above all other truths in this world. i just wish i could express more openly and often the faith that i feel and attempt to live by. i'm a sinner by the world, saved by a great God.

♡.